So um...1500 words is three times as long as Salone's intro for Lev. And while lots of detail is cool and all, posts that long really deter me from reading all the way though.
I mean, it might be just me.
But I've written essays that long.
Lawtan
11-08-2013 10:35 PM
I'll put in a "read here for the shorter bit" marker.
Gallagher
11-08-2013 10:38 PM
I'm cool with long posts like that as long as they don't drag and don't break any rp etiquette.
Lawtan
11-08-2013 11:13 PM
Kadia's intro - free to critique
A slim dark streak, common in most places nowadays, she moved around the district to pay a visit to her favorite garage-inventor. With her e implanted eye, Kadia skirts the back-alleys. Like a silent wind, she began to quickly scurry up a string of pipes, connecting the target to resources like water and propane. ‘How this guy survives in these times is a mystery’, Kadia thought, ‘but without him, I’d never be able to fight.’ She recalled her father taking her to “the Garage Man”, a burly bald chap with a Santa’s beard and a reek of smelly feet – Gates feet, her mother had once said. At that time, she was barely walking and talking, and she continually tripped over herself – the ground seemed so different between her two eyes…
*Creak* went the pipes, and Kadia snapped out of her reverie. She needed to focus on the job at hand – Garbage Man was reported to have made some breakthrough in technology – a device that “deadens” ones presence to others. ‘If I am going to compete with the upper league mercs – demigods, almost – I’ll need to keep myself blind to them.
Checking to see if no one was around, and sparing a glance for primary traps, Kadia slipped into a window. She crept downstairs to the workshop. A staff was on the oaken table, looking like something about to be scrapped for the next “upgrade”. Made of a fragile metal, with circuits sprouting from it like leaves and an incomplete dial pad, this looked to be the piece. Kadia unhooked a sack of herbs, cheese, and bread from her shoulder. Even for a guy who had more than most in the area, food was often scarce. Placing the sack on a chair, she then grabbed the staff and headed back out to figure the thing out…
-1 week later-
‘I got this,’ Kadia thought, ‘If I overlay wire A with wire ZZ, then my Aura is deadened. If I cross BB with GG, I am covered by a white noise on the psychic plane’.
Pleased with herself, Kadia accidently wandered into a part of town strange to her. “Verdammt,” she muttered, “where am I?” She heard thunderous steps of a man heavily armed, along with a few others. Activating the staff, Kadia decided to risk a look. With saucer-eyes, she beheld some of the larger-league mercs (so she thought) striding along. Kadia was unable to sense auras as the staff was still working its whiles, but she read the faces of the party. The gunman looked both proud and…off, though he was trying to cover it up. There was another big warrior, but Kadia figured his appearance was more intimidating than his abilities – she knew the type. The priest looked domineering, and Kadia first thought he was one of the guards from her monastery…the one that took her in when…when…
She snapped back and observed the others. ‘A blind man…’ Kadia put her hand to her bad eye – her cursed eye, as her parents called it. He and a young woman, seemingly paranoid –not as paranoid as you-shush – and both relatively under-armed. Kadia cocked her head in thought, confused at why two –she assumed - magic people would be needed for a mission – the only mage she knew was back in the gang. He was such a good lay…
She shivered at the memory, and continued watching them from the shadows. ‘They may mostly look insane and deadly,’ she considered, ‘but such a group has to be after something good…they stride with purpose and caution. If I trail far enough behind, I may be able to get in on their mission.’ She checked her discs, modeled after the Shuriken of her mother’s homeland. Her wrists were almost permanently attached to a disk-fed wrist-gun. As her strongest ranged weapon, she had to use it often (and recover the white hot metal disks to reuse). Those adjusted, she mentally lifted her “fire wheels” – like a reusable pipe bomb strapped to the Japanese wind wheel – she remembered often distracting her opponents by only burning a little of the fuel stored in them, pouring down hot flames in a wall/wheel pattern. Her Poi-balls, like small maces, hung at her waist with a combat knife. Finally, Kadia grabbed one of her twin swords – hook swords that she could swing around, trip foes, and sever diamond-adamantium armor when superheated. Ready, she mentally called for Rurik, her robotic wolf-companion, and as the group walked by, she followed like a half naïve-half experienced cat, her “claws” being unsheathed.
-In “Hell”- (Start Here)
As she crept up behind the group, both entered the sanctum. Calliope quelled her curiosity and continued on. Mentally, she took a few peaks through the "senses" of Rurik, who was built to be adept at noticing things people could not. It was a curious piece of technology, allowing her to mix her mind with a semi-sentient piece of technology. Rurik, however stayed very close to her, so not much on this round.
Lost in thought, Kadia lost track of the group she was hoping to join. Rapidly, Rurik and she went down the pathway, hearing a scuffle up ahead. 'Maybe this will be my chance,' she thought, and readied her fire wheels to offer a distraction for the group. However, to her shock, three of the group just plowed through the abominations like a blade through cheese.
'By the Way, these people would just kill me by accident, or for kicks. There is no way I could join them,' she thought. Realizing no way back, and resolving to not make this a wasted trip, Kadia kept to the shadows. However, her dampener was malfunctioning...gradually falling apart in her hands.
"Verdammt! The Schieskopf of an inventor couldn't have made a better quality device to steal. I just hope it keeps working until I can get out of here-"
She noticed the blind man look her way. She shut off her whispering, and fell back a ways.
- - - -
Kadia saw that once again the group she stalked was fighting. Initially, she believed that, like last time, they wouldn’t need her help…However, these monsters seemed different. They were not Dybuuk. They moved as if given a central com-That was it! A Hive mind corpse compilation, like her father had instructed her on from his brief experience during the Calamity. She had two options if she wanted to help – wait and find the “center” – or simply hack her way through them. She mentally activated part of the fuel and waited for it to superheat her weapons. The substance acted like a mix of a vibrating tool and near-metal-melting flames, thus “superheated.”
Kadia mentally launched her flame wheels into the fray, slicing through two of the dead, but with little effect. Flames, on the other hand, following the arcing wheels in a leaf-like or oval-like pattern, caused some of the threat to follow them – trying to catch or attack what a nonexistent fiery elemental. Kadia then triggered her Shuriken-shooting device on her arm, targeting some of the demon-possessed attacking the group directly…
Arikana
11-08-2013 11:21 PM
I'm still alive, I think. o3o Anyways, I should have more time by Monday night and should be able to start posting more again.
Gallagher
11-09-2013 12:10 AM
-waves at Ari-
So I'm going to be the ass that actually takes the invitation to critique. Bear with me, I am commenting as I read through, and if you feel any of my points are unfair or do not apply, I would be happy to hear what you have to say about it.
"and she continually tripped over herself – the ground seemed so different between her two eyes…"
Too much. A babe won't know anything was off with the way they see, and the brain ignores the weaker eye, eventually letting it wander as it pleases because it isn't needed (wall-eyed brat she would have been, without any corrections done).
"Even for a guy who had more than most in the area, food was often scarce."
Is this recently in the city thing? Because I'm pretty sure food is provided by his mighty stickman, you just have to go get it at one of the aid places. Might be mistaken.
“Verdammt,”
wot?
"Activating the staff"
She was just talking about wire crossing, right? It doesn't seem like easy activation if she has to manually mess with wires. What effect is she activating?
"confused at why two –she assumed - magic people would be needed for a mission – the only mage she knew was back in the gang."
First, not mages. very much not mages. Second, if she knows her shit, she'll know that with the kinds of enemies they could face, you're actually at a disadvantage if you don't have any spiritual or psychic abilities. Everyone should be assumed to have them, or be meat shields, frankly.
"She checked her discs, modeled after the Shuriken of her mother’s homeland. Her wrists were almost permanently attached to a disk-fed wrist-gun. As her strongest ranged weapon, she had to use it often (and recover the white hot metal disks to reuse). Those adjusted, she mentally lifted her “fire wheels” – like a reusable pipe bomb strapped to the Japanese wind wheel – she remembered often distracting her opponents by only burning a little of the fuel stored in them, pouring down hot flames in a wall/wheel pattern. Her Poi-balls, like small maces, hung at her waist with a combat knife. Finally, Kadia grabbed one of her twin swords – hook swords that she could swing around, trip foes, and sever diamond-adamantium armor when superheated."
This is a major weapon info dump, and very much not needed like this. Go more into each weapon as they get used, as that's when the information will matter. Also, I don't think any kind of sword can do that to diamond-adamantium armor, superheated or not...
"As she crept up behind the group,"
Is she actually trying to sneak in behind mercenaries? With ample tech and spiritual/psychic ability on their side? Following their vehicle with a giant metal wolf? AND WASN'T NOTICED?
"Kadia lost track of the group she was hoping to join"
This was an open call to everyone that wanted to come and wouldn't hinder the mission. She doesn't have to sneak after them.
"She noticed the blind man look her way."
No. No, no, no, no, don't do things like this. Even if the moment already happened for our characters and it doesn't matter if he DID just so happen to glance her way, you do not want to get into this habit. If it wasn't said that he looked at her, and it wasn't talked about OOC, it didn't happen, so don't make it happen.
On the overall, one thing you very much want to avoid doing is being the hero that saves the group. That's not how this works. It's perfectly acceptable for everyone to have their moments to shine, to save one another if needed, or whatever the case may be. What's not okay is if you follow through with what you have going and somehow save the entire group with one girl, thus letting her earn her place among them. It would make a good story, yes, but this is not one. If you keep this line of actions, then be very careful how you play the rest of it out, or else you'll cross a line that should not be crossed.
Suzerain of Sheol
11-09-2013 12:14 AM
I agree with all those, and also my previous comment still apply.
Especially the paragraph formatting, I beg of you.
Quiet Man Cometh
11-09-2013 12:57 AM
You can definitely get away with less information, Lawtan. We already know what equipment she is carrying so it's no really necessary to explain it all in the roleplay. In a novel, sure, but this isn't that.
What Galla is referring to about having another character do something in your post is often referred to as "god modding," or taking control of another player's character. This is nearly always considered a bad thing in role play, and is rude. It's fine if you would like to work something out, story-wise, with a player *before* you post, but make sure that if you would like something to happen with a particular character and yours, that you run it by the player first.
(Restart the Cat RP from the shop or go with something different?)
Gallagher
11-09-2013 01:06 AM
Right, if you just ask for an answer to a passing question or some nonsense in this thread, it's cool to have the other character answering that way in your post instead of waiting around. Or just a quick "How would ___ react to ______" or "Would ___ go after ___?"
Espy
11-09-2013 01:51 AM
(I don't know. That intro scene is still interesting.)
Gallagher
11-09-2013 01:56 AM
Oh yes, it is interesting. But that doesn't mean it doesn't need work.
Espy
11-09-2013 01:59 AM
No, I meant Quiet's.
And yeah, I'm personally fine with what Law did with Dante, but it still...-twitchy-
Suzerain of Sheol
11-09-2013 02:02 AM
I feel should probably make it clear: we are not in any way fighting the intelligence controlling these creatures.
Otherwise known as Aariel-Saklas-Ialdabaoth-Dikaios-Kronos-Sammael, Father of the Archons, False Aeon of the Sun, Lord of the Decadence of Matter and Time, the Demiurge, the God of this World. :X
Espy
11-09-2013 02:03 AM
So uh, really, what'll happen if Dante runs straight into the Chapel?
Suzerain of Sheol
11-09-2013 02:04 AM
Aren't you just dying to find out? :D
Gallagher
11-09-2013 02:06 AM
Oh right, that Cat thing, lmao, my bad.
OI! Suze! That's not the weird funny name you told me!
Lawtan
11-09-2013 02:19 AM
On Dante's thing - I was actually referring to when Espy said he thought he heard something, but thought nothing of it.
I will edit the weapons stuff out a good bit. Also, missed getting rid of the adamantium thing, sorry (did nit have the time I wanted to revise it.
Umm...don't know what to do about the sneak up bit. She had a very unstable piece of epic-level tech that made her virtually undetectable for a short while. I need to write it better, but in part her knowledge of it failing on her also spurs her leap into the fray. She doesn't save the group - she joins them in the heat of battle. I do not know how yhis would ctoss a line.*shrugs*
I am trying to make her knowledgeable yet naive - a lack of experience on the human aspect of the world, yet awareness of the ways demons work.
And she curses in German. Verdammt!
Maybe I should just rewrite the thing and follow Quiet's lead.
Espy
11-09-2013 02:20 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzerain of Sheol
(Post 1597035)
Aren't you just dying to find out? :D
Ha ha ha, very funny.
No but, like, if it's the mastermind behind all the shit, I don't want to drag him into that because people /will actually die/ and we can't do that this early on.
Also maybe because I might start making efforts to show that Dante no longer just cares about saving his own skin.
Suzerain of Sheol
11-09-2013 02:23 AM
I can promise you no one will die if you go in the chapel. Is this sufficient? :P
On the other hand, it's not necessarily tactically sound either. ΘxΘ
Lawtan
11-09-2013 02:27 AM
Oh and, paragraphs? I was writing this on my phone...
And where can I find out more about the demonic forces beyond the info link?
Gallagher
11-09-2013 02:28 AM
That is a great kind of detail to follow in on, but all the same, make sure you okay it with the other party before you insert it, especially when working with things that have already happened.
She would have had to have been undetectable for hours, not just a few minutes.
I wasn't referring to something she did, but the direction she looked to be heading by figuring out the hive mind and intending to find the center herself, either through waiting or fighting.
And, ohhh, the cursing makes sense then. Sorry, I am bad with funny words, I can't identify languages worth a crap.
Lawtan
11-09-2013 02:31 AM
*Hopes to eventually get halfway decent at writing eventually*
Gallagher
11-09-2013 02:33 AM
Personally, I am just pleased to see you have interesting ideas to work with. The rest will come with time and practice, but some things can't be taught, and it already looks like you have a good few of them.
Suzerain of Sheol
11-09-2013 02:42 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lawtan
(Post 1597063)
And where can I find out more about the demonic forces beyond the info link?
You pretty much have to ask me, or school yourself in classical demonology and then ask me if specific things apply here.
But, in short, "demons" here are not the denizens of Hell (Hell is peopled by the fallen angels of the first and second revolts in Heaven led by Satan and Semyaza respectively).
Demons exist outside of reality in the primordial nothingness into which sprang the Light of Genesis, the "dark materials"* from which God sculpted the universe. They are beings inimical to the laws of physics and essentially abstract and eldritch entities, not strictly personalized or possessing identity or will.
Fallen angels on the other hand, have been cursed by God and denied their Heavenly forms, and have over the millennia been twisted by the essential Hell within their own souls (is a complicated concept found in Paradise Lost) into a near-infinity of abominable shapes.
No two fallen angels are alike, though the most powerful faction among them (led by Beelzebub, Satan's second), self-styled the "Princes of Hell" retain some vestige of their angelic form and lordly mind, and are not *entirely* opposed to humanity in this struggle, though they're hardly on friendly terms either -- they're consumed by their own struggle to maintain control of Hell over the hordes of their corrupted brethren, and to guard the shores of the Abyss to prevent true Demons from assailing the material realms.
(None of that is even touching Abaddon's forces from Sheol, which is an entirely different matter altogether.)
*
The Womb of nature and perhaps her Grave,
Of neither Sea, nor Shore, nor Air, nor Fire,
But all these in thir pregnant causes mixt
Confus'dly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless th' Almighty Maker them ordain His dark materials to create more Worlds,
Into this wild Abyss the warie fiend
Stood on the brink of Hell and look'd a while,
Pondering his Voyage: for no narrow frith
He had to cross.
-John Milton, 1667
--Not Phillip Pullman 1995 :|
Gallagher
11-09-2013 02:51 AM
yeeeah, Suze's universe here is way complex, you're best of directing your questions to him before doing outside research.
-blinks- ... Oh, Suzeboo, it is too late for me to brain those funny words.
Espy
11-09-2013 02:56 AM
Oops, sorry, passed out for a bit. Okay, then I might make him go there. But that'll be tomorrow, and only if no one else has posted anything for him to interact with.
Quiet Man Cometh
11-09-2013 11:57 AM
That passage makes sense now! Hooray!
My biblical lore is somewhat lacking. As is my knowledge of Paradise Lost. And Milton in general...
Quiet Man Cometh
11-09-2013 02:13 PM
Oh, and as a general note, I'm pronouncing Tarja's name with a soft 'j' sound, not a 'y.'
Suzerain of Sheol
11-09-2013 02:40 PM
Oh I forgot to address mages last night:
There's nothing so simple as typical fantasy magic to be found here. For the various powers available, there is:
Psykhosis -- including (but not necessarily limited to) psychokinesis (pyro-, cryo-, electro-, tele-), telepathy, precognition (in the enhanced reaction-time variety, not seeing the future), and biofeedback (psychometabolism, optimizing the functionings of the body by taking direct control of subconscious brain functions)
Theurgy -- Spiritual magic drawing power from the heavenly or hellish planes. Can manipulate reality to produce miracles at the wielder's will. Is powered by the soul of the user, opens a conduit to the higher planes which allows the caster to manipulate the quintessence and overwrite the laws of reality temporarily. It has very little to do with faith or lack thereof, as the existence of celestial powers is an observable fact. About 85% of theurges channel Heaven as it's merely overwhelming, not actively harmful/insanity-inducing, though Hell sorcery can produce rawer, more primal and devastating effects for the same effort and skill.
Necromancy -- Manipulation of the relationship between the soul and body. Can duplicate some of the effects of theurgic healing miracles, but at a terrible cost (to either the user or the recipient) as it deals with the actual *extant* function of the soul in reality, and doesn't supernaturally shape reality to perform its function. Primarily geared toward controlling or destroying the undead, and killing the living, though it has other applications. It takes a horrendous toll on the body of the necromancer and will eventually kill them, though if their soul is powerful enough, it will live on bodiless as an Emim (Emite, singular?)
Arikana
11-09-2013 02:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gallagher
(Post 1596985)
-waves at Ari-
*waves back?*
Well, if you can see me, I'm gonna assume that I'm still alive. Unless if I've become a ghost? o3o
Suzerain of Sheol
11-10-2013 01:14 AM
Espy: Since I promised not to inst-kill Dante, allow me to advise not, um, diving straight through the door if you do have him make a break for the chapel. Uh, caution would... caution be advised. Yes, that's it.
Gallagher
11-10-2013 02:12 AM
I have a thing, before I forget for another two weeks to actually post it. I'm 98% sure that it covers absolutely everything you might need to know and more, unlike my current creep.
Gabriel Ivone Hickory Carnet
Age: 35 Height: 5’11” / 180cm Weight: 132lbs / 60kg Hair: Long, black Eyes: Dark green Build: Gaunt yet able-bodied
Spiritual Presence: High, specializes in healing wounds, disease, poisoning, and disorders. Can reduce fatigue in others, improve the body’s efficiency for short periods, cleanse water and certain foods, resurrect the recently deceased, and shield from limited spiritual attacks. Damages by disrupting the body’s functions, halting them completely, or sending them into overdrive. Able to use all skills from a distance, but uses and recovers energy more efficiently with direct contact. Well experienced and needs little to no preparation to use most of his skills. Psychic Presence: Average, fair resistance, can create small flames, alter an object’s temperature, inhibit individual aspects of the somatosensory system Combat Ability: Poor Arcane Knowledge: Average, good theoretical knowledge but little first-hand experience Mechanical Aptitude: Average, maintains and repairs his own belongings well Other: Ambidextrous, but slightly better with his left hand, often uses mirrored writing. No formal education, taught by family and himself, extensive knowledge in traditional medicine and pharmacognosy. Able to create orbs of light in various colors, and perform other frivolous tricks.
Possessions:
Personal
Clothing (brown unless stated otherwise) – robe, sleeveless jacket, fitting pants, scrub top (teal), patterned hip scarf (teal and black), underwear x3 (various colors), socks x5 (various colors), boots, sandals, waterproof cloak (black)
Thermal Insulation Gear
Blanket
Packs – large backpack, strapped pack x4 (2 at belt, 1 at thigh, 1 at bicep), medical bag
Compression Bag x3
Toiletries & Carrier
Electronics - tablet computer, waterproof case, stylus, wireless headphones
Multi-tool
Cookware – pot (cooks for 3), bowl x2, cup x2, utensils
Pocket Notebook & Pencil
Sewing Kit
Basic Hunting Knife
Medical
Basic First Aid Supplies
Portable Diagnostic Device (fits in the palm, applied to a pulse point, data displayed on the face of the device)
Purification Filter x2
Surgical Kit & Sutures (box x2)
Procedure Mask (box)
Disposable Gloves (box)
Succor Capsule x60
Water of Eden x5 (vial)
Syringe x2 (reusable) & disposable needles (25ga x ½” & 20ga x 1”)
Assorted Medication Vials (max 10 doses each) – antibiotic, psychotropic (for enhanced cognitive operations, def not to get high. def not.), enhanced erythropoietin, antiepileptic, detox agent, tranquilizer
Universal Splint x2
Nasopharyngeal airway x2
Sterile Lubricant
Biography: After years of failed attempts at a child, Gabriel was born scarcely two years before the world came to an end. The family survived together thanks to no small amount of luck, some of which came in the form of strange abilities that became more pronounced as everything else around them was torn apart. For the first few years, they tried to stick with people they knew to survive together, but by the time Gabriel showed signs of having his own abilities, they had settled down in a more secure encampment. He was given a practical education, taught what they and other survivors deemed important, his parents encouraging his talents from an early age as they attempted to master their own, his mother gifted with psychic capabilities and his father with theurgic magicks.
The encampment’s numbers continued to dwindle, and soon the family made their way to one of the growing military fortresses. They brought with them two more to add to their numbers, a yet unborn child and an orphaned girl. This fortress was where Gabriel would spend the rest of his ‘childhood’. His family would be granted one more son shortly after Gabriel found his passion for medicine and healing. As in adulthood, the teen was devoted to his chosen field, all of his spare time spent caring for his family. He had just turned eighteen when he joined a group heading out to Thyat'ria, certain that the change of scenery was necessary if they were ever going to have the future his father had always assured him they would.
A few months after settling into his new life, Gabriel received word that both his mother and youngest sister had been killed in an attack. His adopted sister later left, following his own example, to join The Aery Alliance and protect humanity as a whole. Though he kept in touch with his father, his sister had far less time for him, and the younger brother he’d hardly gotten to know none whatsoever. Eventually, the broken family was struck one last blow when his brother was taken by his use of death magicks. Since then, he makes every effort to keep in touch with his father and sister, but blames himself for the collapse of his family.
Personality: Dramatic and changeable, he is most often seen in a bright mood and with a smile on his face. He’ll happily converse with any that allow it, teasing and flirting with those he likes best. He can, and usually will, talk for miles, encouraged by even the slightest bit of attention it earns him. When caught on his own, he is far more subdued. He’s extremely focused on his work, using it both to help others and for personal gain. He constantly practices and studies to improve, hating to let opportunities to slip him by. What time he has between those he uses to pursue less noble pleasures. He rarely sleeps well and often puts other things before eating, leaving his health to suffer.
Gallagher
11-10-2013 02:20 AM
He won't be joining for like 30 years, but if I don't get it posted, I'll accidentally delete all that mess eventually, so yeah.
Quiet Man Cometh
11-10-2013 03:57 AM
And here I thought we had someone who could put our dismembered body parts back together.
That reminds me, I have a few other things to add to my sheet. I forgot to mention the psychic resistance part. Any objects it makes sense for a non-combat oriented psychic to carry around?
EDIT: Or not. Seems I already had those details in, minus inventory tweaking.
Gallagher
11-10-2013 05:57 AM
Hurhur. You ain't seen no medic till you seen a Galla style medic.
Arikana
11-10-2013 09:10 AM
Hm, interesting character and nice to finally read his bio. :P
Suzerain of Sheol
11-10-2013 01:05 PM
If you're referring to Thomas, you do NOT want to see his brand of "healing". Leave the setting things on fire to him, fixing people up to someone else. He's also an NPC and we do not have a Party Priest Insurance Policy in the event of his, er, timely demise.
Espy
11-10-2013 03:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzerain of Sheol
(Post 1597315)
Espy: Since I promised not to inst-kill Dante, allow me to advise not, um, diving straight through the door if you do have him make a break for the chapel. Uh, caution would... caution be advised. Yes, that's it.
...Is that doddering old priest going to dismember me?
But okay, yeah. Will probably make him bash through the window first with the pommel of his sword.