dear you

Whatever, man. Whatever. That was totally freaking mature of you.
I blatantly told you what the problem was and you still didn't get it.
-sighs- Man up, seriously.

Mom,
Don't ask me to fucking lie for you. I don't like it, I had asked your fucking fiancé to make some thing a certain way, or to wait until i got up to make it. He instead does it all while I am doing shit for you, because I am 'too lazy' to go down there at 7 am when he started on it. I am sorry that I had to pack til midnight last night so I could move out on time because your fiancé won't help me move in or pack up the stuff though he is so excited for me to move out that he has been making comments about what my room will be used for once I leave. I had asked for it to be a certain way for my own ease of use and design, and by doing that he has fucked it up because it will become top heavy once it is in use and fall over. Also I expect him to keep his word and WAIT for me, I had to leave at 10 am and I couldn't get back til 1. Since he refused to do it because 'it isn't his damn house' I had to, no way around it and he is the one who is pissy all day because after seeing how he fucked it up I left to get some alone time with my grandmother. I won't lie and I won't take it with me, I don't like it. I am picky about what is going into my new home and I won't keep something that is going to have to be counter balanced to stay upright when he could have just fucking listened and it would all be fine.

Dear everyone...

The past is the past, yet why do I still feel as though I have to watch where I post and to who I talk? Why do I still not feel safe posting here? Why do I keep thinking everyone is judging me based on the past? Why do I feel as though I never really got a chance to meet people on here?

OH THAT'S RIGHT!

Because I was shunned and scorned and asked to leave a place with NO REAL REASON. I was invited to a thread as a safe place, and then thrown from it like yesterday's garbage. I still feel the need to avoid those places, and the people who run them. I still feel as though I'm going to be asked to leave places simply because no on wants to hear both sides, and no one wants to have faith that I would respect their thread and not start s**t like they assumed.

Thanks for assuming I'm a b**ch!
Kali...

Dear diary

Is it okay to cry? I don't really know

Sincerely yourself

dear you,

wow, just wow. twice now? i am glad things ended when they did because i would have left on my own by now. i hope you understand that encouraging a thief to steal is as bad as stealing yourself. shame on you for not filtering what comes through, it makes it look as if you are doing it on purpose

-a very ashamed and offended me

Dear ... you,

I get that you're happy with her, but ... please stop. Every picture you post of you both, every time you mention her, hell even when you told me "life is great" because I asked how you were doing because I haven't seen you in ages. It hurts. All of it just tears me apart.

I hate it when you say that we're "not meant to be" or that I'll "find someone better." Just stop. I still love you as much as I did when we were going out, and I know you still love me too deep down. So why are you so dead set against us being together?

It hurts to not be with you. I don't even always mean "together" with you. It hurts not even getting to see your face, or hear your voice, or to hug you when I need emotional support. It hurts when you don't text me back, or when you say you're "too busy with work" but yet you find time to hang out with her.

What ever happened to "I'll always be there for you"? And "you're my best friend"? I haven't seen you in weeks. We used to hang out every single day. Am I not important anymore? Am I being replaced?

I'm not joking or exaggerating when I say I will not have anyone but you. You are the only one for me. I just hope you realize soon that I'm the only one for you, too. I just want to spend the rest of my life pleasing you and being there for you and being cute with you and sharing everything with my soulmate, and I hope you will be my husband someday.

-All the love I have in my heart,
Me

PS: Please do not move 1,500 miles away. I can not guarantee what I will or will not do if you do. Please. Just don't.

Dear diary,

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of all the shit you put me through. Why do I have to do all the fucking work and then its never enough. I spend half my time picking up after you for you just to say I need to do more.

Why am I not allowed to have my hair cut the way I want it? Why cant I dye it teal or pink? I mean its my hair right? Why do I get shot down for wanting ti do what will ultimately make me happy? Oh that's right you want to control everything about me.

You hate gauges, therefore they are evil and ugly and I should hate them. Uh no. I want to gauge my ears and I hate when you yell at me for mentioning it.
you are fucking insane! Seriously. You need help. But of course you're too fucking lazy to do anything so why should this be different??

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Why cant you understand this?
I will NEVER be able to love you.
Not after all this shit you put me through.

Sincerely one pissed off kid.

Dear _______,

....you sneered and said it didn't matter what you said, I wouldn't feel it. I never listen, and I never really feel anyway, so what did it matter?

I heard every word, and everyone cut me. But I didn't show. Because it wouldn't matter if I showed how I felt or not; I'm always acting in your eyes, every emotion a direct challenge and rebellion against you. You always asked why I stopped talking to you, and why I became so "blank".

Can you really blame me?

I used to try and fight it, try to fix, try to make it right. But....I've given up. It's easier to remain silent, to remain blank until you leave the room. Nothing I say makes any difference, regardless of your claims to contrary. Have you noticed I say less and less each day to you? How restrained I've become. I'm a fucking shell, and I'm still showing too much attitude for you.

I'd love to say I'd show you this, but it wouldn't make any difference. This isn't anything I haven't said to your face. I guess this is my silent confession that I'm tired. Something that would get me yelled at if I dared utter it outloud.

Dear...you know.

I'm tired of being guilt-tripped to the point that I'm completely used to it, yet it still affects me. It's as if, since every other thing you tell me is to try to make me think about every single fault I have, you don't even know you're guilt-tripping me.

How the hell do you ruin someone's day completely and utterly through two words? Ok, fine, I'll admit I raised my voice, but that's because both you and the dentist told me the same thing (that the mold is permanent and I have to take this seriously and not move) four times within the span of ten seconds. Alright, I said five before, and you told me you only mentioned it twice. ...Sure, four times is a lot less than five, huh...

And then on the way home, you tell me how much I embarrassed you by raising my voice. I didn't even yell. It wasn't even halfway to a yell. Two words: "I know", said in maybe an impatient manner, after hearing the same thing four times in the span of ten seconds. Is that unreasonable? And then from there, the ranting turned into yelling at me for not doing anything over the summer (the hell? I have a class at the comm. college, plus a course that I'm taking early, plus a ton more stuff. I'm not doing anything?), and then about how I'm not giving a damn about getting my license.

...Excuse me. This is coming from the person who told me she wasn't going to let me get my permit when I was sixteen, even though I kept asking for it, because the insurance was too high? And the day after I turn legal, you're on my ass telling me to get my license as soon as possible. Why didn't you just let me get my permit back then? It would've saved me a lot of time. "You were busy back then." Okay, I was, but I still had time. It's better than being yelled at now, to have done at least part of it earlier.

And then Dad gets home while I'm out walking the dog. Why am I out for two and a half hours? Because you told me to keep walking him until he pooped. He didn't yet. And the second I get in, Dad starts yelling at me. How did you twist your story to make it seem like I ranted and raved at the dentist's? What did you say to make him think I completely embarrassed both of us by screaming at you? It was two words. Two. And I'll admit I was impatient, but who wouldn't be?

Look. Every time Dad says something, you parrot it. The exact same words. I'm tired of it. Why don't you get that?

And now you're doing the whole "there's only two weeks before you leave. Why can't you just get along with us?" deal. Really? And then a split second later, you tell me, "It'd be better if you left sooner." ...Thanks. Much appreciated. Stop being a hypocrite, douche. If you want me to leave sooner, get me an earlier flight and book a hotel room for me. Not my fault I don't have a credit card yet. What am I, a kid?

You say you don't want to see me? Fine. That's easy. Don't come near my room, or the study. Problem solved. Dad, you yelled at the neighbor's dogs yesterday because you were afraid they'd wake me up while I was sleeping? Your yelling was louder than they were. And now that I'm done with that test that you were so anxious about, yes, sure, you can turn up the volume of the TV way up. It's not like I'm working on anything else, right?

--A.L.

Dear diary


YAY YOU' I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! FINALLY! YOU PUT THAT BITCH IN HER PLACE!!
now you need to cut all ties and get her out of your life!!!! Shes just a worthless goodfornothing bitch. Let her think she is so much better than you are! Haha who cares!?!? You don't need her anymore!
Hannah-1 bitch -0.
Woot! Woot!!

Love yourself

Ps you deserve a highfive and a cookie

Dear me,
How did you loose an entire sketchbook?
Its mystifying you know and much harder then keys.
Its just kinda frustrating to keep loosing things.

Love me.

Dear diary

What the heck. You are such a horrible person. You have to control everything or you get all crazy psycho bitch. I am sure Christian hates you for what you did.
I hate you. So much.

-your daughter.

Dear Diary

Today I discovered that a lot of people I know on Solia use this site. I'm just kind of exploring right now, but it is just kind of strange.

Dear, Cahal

You're supposed to be one of my good friends. You ignore me when you're hanging out with my ex and now you only speak to me when you want something. So you know what, you can just fuck right off. I can't be bothered dealing with that sort of shite.

Tania.

Dear me,
Stop being such a depressive fuck.
It's annoying others and it only hurts yourself.
Stop being so timid and tackle the problem.
Waiting isn't going to help you.
Time is something you don't have.

Dear diary,

How could you do this to me... my heart feels torn in two... you were supposed to be my best friend... now I feel empty and I just want to withdrawal myself from society even trisphee. Everything reminds me of you... everything... I cant enjoy things I used to because id think of you and I just cry... why cant I stop crying.... I loved you, did you ever love me? Did you just use me? I will never trust anyone again fuck best friends. Fuck it. Ill never have a best friend. You ruined it fully for me. Thanks a lot... Im depressed again. I don't even care about anything anymore.

-asami

Dear diary,

Why can't I just have normal feelings? Why do I feel so negative all the time? Why do I do/want to do things I know I'll regret?

Why can't a love song just be nice words strung together? Why do they have to tear me apart? Why does seeing your picture make me want to cry because I miss you so much but I don't know how to talk to you? Why does her name send me into a rage?

Why can't I just accept that you're with someone else and I should do the same? Why do I hope she breaks your heart so you come running back to me? Why am I still so deeply, intensely in love with you?

Now every little thing pushes me over the edge and I have to try so hard to hide the fact that I feel like garbage. Every day.

Going back to school terrifies me to no end. Not because you'll be there. But because if you're there, that means there's a chance she might show up there. I don't think I could take it if that happened.

And I really wish you still checked Trisphee. Because I am far too much of a coward to ever tell you any of this straight.

-signed,
Ultima

PS: I should stop writing these. But I like to think that getting my thoughts out there helps. .... Even though it probably doesn't.

Dear Diary,

I think I may have gotten a job today, but I won't know until Friday or Monday. I remember when I used to have this voice in my head that told me nothing I did would ever be successful or 'enough'. It's still occasionally there, nagging just a little, whining at me for trying after I've failed. I'm getting better, though. I'm doing better than I ever thought I would. I wonder if you still think of me. You once told me I was so 'down to Earth' and I was just a kid, so I blushed and smiled and thanked you as I countered it with negativity. I think I'm beginning to see some of what you saw in me now. I don't really miss you. I don't think we can walk next to each other anymore, because our hearts are so far away. But that's okay. You were a part of my life, a phase I went through. You were everything to me once, back when my world was small. I loved you. I hope that you think of me with a smile now, and not any of the melancholy with which I think of you. I hope your girlfriend is doing okay. I hope your daughter is doing okay. I hope you're doing okay. Thank you for believing in me. The little you expected of me then was more than I expected from myself, and because I wanted to impress you, I worked hard. Slowly it became something I did for myself, rather than for you. You were my catalyst for growth. I can't ever repay that, but I don't think you knew you were doing it. And that's alright. I hope life treats you well. Don't ever forget that you have the power to change the way you see the world around you. Be braver than you think you can be and you'll surprise yourself. Do the right thing for that girl you're with. Take care of your daughter and talk to your family.

I'm doing just fine.

Love,
Me.

Dear Diary,
I want to talk to you. So bad that it hurts.
I see your name and the most I can do is click it.
I'm too much of a wimp to send you a message.
It's been so many years yet..I still miss you.
It might be cruel of me to just show up after just disappearing.
Just saying hello can't hurt right?
But what if you never reply?
I feel like an idiot. Beating myself up.
I'll just sit here, tormenting myself.
I am an idiot.

Dear Diary,
I feel like things are looking up for me..
But why do I feel like it's only going to be temporary?
I don't want to repeat everything that happened this month again.
I don't think I can take something like that again.
I don't want to be the old me.
I don't want to be alone..

Dear diary...

I dont know where to begin to tell you how my morning started....I thought everything was going great between us but it seems that the fates are cruel. What am I to do when they think the way they do? Am I supposed to brush off the thoughts and harsh words like I do with everything else? Or do I take them to heart because its your family?

This morning my heart was broken from the very person who I thought would never break it. Now im sitting here in a daze thinking about everything that happened between us. The words we exchanged and the thoughts we both shared...they all come to a sad end and two days before three years... It really pains me that one person of your family could wreck a love I thought would never die.

Now I sit here thinking of the past...but when I look to the future what do I see? I used to see us getting married, having kids and growing old together. Dying in each others arms and finally resting in gods green earth still holding each other with a love that would never die....Now when I look I see nothing but darkeness....a vast expanse of nothingness that is swallowing my soul and heart the more I look into it.

You say that you love me...that you would do anything to make me happy, yet you cant see that what is happening is causing me the most pain I have ever felt. I lost you today...in one swift motion you were gone and I have no one to thank but the people who gave you life...

So onto you I say my final thoughts....thoughts that I do love you and would do anything to fix what is now broken...but what is broken can not be fixed. I am sorry it has come down to this...this nothingness, but I feel its the only way to be free. Take the good times and great memories we had...like the first day we met...the first day you said you loved me....take them all and hold them tight...you dont want those vanishing like the future I thought we had.

With fleeting love....Me.

Dear diary,

Mom you are so stupid. I cant even process your logic! What the heck. You assume things and its automatically what happened just because you assumed it!!!!!!!I hate how hypocritical you are! You are psychotic and just plain dumb. I swear you're intelligence level is far below zero you cant even pronounce words right! And yes we laugh because its fucking hilarious to hear you stumble on words you don't know the definition of. You need a serious reality check and I would give it to you but you'd just say I was talking back or say I was taking advantage of you (which makes no sense -_-). God I could rant for hours about how you take advantage of me and my brothers(which you actually do) but it would just piss me off more.

You know what. You want to become a fucking grandmother one day? Well I'm your only hope of that and guess what!!! You wont EVER see my children EVER! I wont let you near them. You will have no role in my child's life. you are way to unstable of a person, I would fear my child's life if I let you near him/her (when I have one).

-asami

dear person below me,

i love you, i honestly do and even if you don't want the love i still will because everyone needs to be loved and i want to give you something to hold on to

Dear Diary,
I'm not sure why it still hurts, or why I still fall into the same 'trap' every time. Every time.

I think 'they act like they like me, like I'm a friend.' And so I, mistaking whatever it is they want from me, as an overture to rekindled friendship. But every time it's not. It's 'I need you to do this for me, but don't act like it means anything else.' And I should expect it now, because it's what I get time and again. But it still hurts like the first time, the second, the eight...and apparently like a beaten dog I come back each time expecting something different.

I have amazing people in my life, that genuinely like me, maybe even love me, but each time I fall back on the 'what am I doing that makes me unlikable? So usable and disposable?' What part of me is so flawed that this is the 'right' way to treat me each time?

What part of my brain needs rewiring? I tell myself after each destroyed bridge, after each rebuffed overture, that I've learned my lesson, I won't do it again. But I do. How they must laugh to see me constantly groveling for the smallest bit of respect, attention, or praise. Am I entertaining? Am I at least worth the floor show?

I won't lie to myself and say that this time I've learned my lesson, I won't repeat the same mistakes. I will, again and again, the living definition of insane. I expect a different result when all my variables are the same.

Dear diary,

Pissed off doesn't even cover how I feel right now. How DARE she. I do SO MUCH for her and how DARE she say what she said. She wanted to USE me again. Just plain out use me for her own gain. Just because I have a talent doesnt give you the right to use and abuse it! You 'Ask' me to do something. Doesnt that give me the right to say no? So why flip the f*ck out? Why yell and scream and say I'm ungrateful, I'm throwing a 'temper tantrum' because I wont do it? Here's the reality check b*tch. You're throwing the temper tantrum! And that caused me to get angry now. Why the hell do I have to do whatever you say???? You say you ask me but in reality you tell me. You use and drain everyone of their talents just because you have none yourself. I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being put down every chance you get. I'm tired of you. Why cant you be a normal mom who actually cares for their kids? U.U I hate you. I hate you so much.

-asami

Dear friend.

You say you care about me but if you really did you would have realized sooner that i really don't like many of the things you talk to me about, give me or even try to make me do.
you don't listen and that's why we broke up before.
Your not in love with me but in love with an image of me that you have in your head.
and now that we're just friends, your pushing me away again but doing exactly what i told you many times to not do.

Dear life

Sometimes you are so very strange. The past two days I feel like you are trying to show me something but I am not quite getting it.My dad has a rather successful day yesterday, we also had a cashier named "Lucky" who sold us Lottery tickets and I also was paid enough to pay my bills for the month. I also was randomly given $50 as a tip during work.

Thank you for always being interesting and puzzle like. I will figure out you one day.

And to whomever posts below me, you are awesome!

Jay

Dear life,

....For once...no complaints.

~Me

Dear Diary,
It's so strange hearing that all my friends are back in college and I'm not..
I'm stuck here in the same place, unmoving, unchanging.
Why am I so afraid of the future? Why am I so afraid of moving forward?
I'm just sitting here..watching everyone dash toward their bright future.
All I can see is their backs and hear them laugh.
They have so much hope and anticipation.
I've got nothing.
Why do I feel so worthless.