| uncledaddy |
04-07-2013 08:54 PM |
I imagine he must be.
I was reading through some of my previously written stuff.
Quote:
I have loved Kurt Kraus for a long time. Years before I ever would have admitted it, a part of me knew that the strange thing I felt when I watched him from a distance had a name. When he fought me, cursed me, and hated me, I loved him. When he wrapped his hands around my throat, I very nearly let him have me. My life would have been such a meaningful thing to give, and that wild spark in his eyes would have been a beautiful last sight to see. But I knew that there was more in store for the both of us. We could not part forever as nothing but nameless adversaries. There had to be more. And so I fought him, and I pushed to remain a part of him while I tried to learn him. I had to show him that we were not just enemies, but brothers. I knew he'd felt the same connection, that he was bound to me for life not by my insistence but by something beyond either of our control. And once I could prove this, there would be no stopping our progression. But even then, I was reluctant to call it what it was. There were many times when I had to stop myself from saying it aloud. If he asked why I felt the need to check in on him so often, I said that it was simply my job to do so. In part it was true, but right on the tip of my tongue was the response, "Because I love you." He bit off two of my fingers and proclaimed that we were at war. I screamed out a war cry, because if I'd spoken any words at that moment, they would have been "I love you!" Even as we started to form a friendship, I was so afraid that I might accidentally say those words. I had enjoyed his hate because it was passionate, violent, and exciting. For a while, I had tried to convince myself that it was perfect on its own. But it wasn't enough, it wasn't right, it wasn't where we were meant to be. Still, I was afraid to move in the opposite direction. It wasn't a fear of rejection; I had been perfectly happy to love him while he wanted me dead. One of the most important aspects of my love for him is the fact that it has always been unconditional. I love him for all of who and what he is, and my only expectation is that he will remain true to himself. But I didn't want to ruin a good thing, lest he misinterpret my love as a plea for something he wasn't going to want and our relationship lose its fire. And even as time went on and we finally acknowledged the kinship we had always shared, I was still too shy to say those three words. I guess it's silly for someone like me to be embarrassed by a little thing like emotions. I can take a bullet, I don't fear pain; in fact, I embrace it. And yet, the simple thought of acknowledging how deeply I truly needed this person--how much being a part of him really meant to me--was something I tried to ignore for many years. I'm sure he was aware that I liked him. I said at least that much, however playfully. I don't doubt that he'd have liked me back a lot sooner if I hadn't hurt him and kept trying to stir him like coals in a fire. But it was what I knew, and by the time I realized that that wasn't what either of us really needed from the other, it was just a matter of getting over my own pride. Admitting to something as big as love has never been easy for me; it's my job and my nature to be rough and intimidating. And to turn to someone I not only hurt but made a point of pushing down and fighting, and tell him that I had fallen in love with him, would surely have shattered my image. I was so used to hurting people and making sure that they never got to know me, just observing whether and how they chose to fight back. And then he came along and challenged everything I knew about myself, my desires, my ambitions and expectations in life. He made me question what love and friendship were really made of, and what it meant to share an unbreakable bond. Well, now I know. And I realize that not only is an unbreakable bond what we've had all along, but that it deserves to be called by its name. It is love, and it is not a weakness. It is fierce and passionate. It's not separate from the fighting nature in our hearts, but a part of it. It's so much stronger and more violent than the hate ever was, and it means so much more. Just like all the aspects of Kurt himself, I appreciate all of the things we've been through together, pleasure and pain alike. But I'm happy to say that the love we now share is one of the most beautiful things a man could ever experience. We are finally in the right place, and I couldn't be happier now to call him my soul mate.
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I kinda feel like we should do something with this. I like it. |
