My father committed suicide before I turned 15. I understand taking guilt upon yourself because for the first two years after his death I blamed myself because the night before my parents had an arguement, my dad, who is an ex cop, drew a loaded gun at my mom waving it around drunk while I sat in my room scared, and the cops showed up because of the noise. I asked to go some where else for the night and I can't even remember the last words to my dad. He hung him self while my mother was in the shower the next morning, and I was at a friends house because I didn't want to look at my dad because of what he did.

Oh no Tiva.

Yay! I gets a hug! And apparently a dork stamp for my four year old... lol

What?

She lightly smacked my forward yelling Dork Stamp Momma your a dork now

I sorry Tiva, I can't imagine having to go through something like that.

Thats cute and neither can I.

-hugs for Tiva-

-Hugs for Tiva-

*hugs Tiva tightly* I can't even imagine that honey that is so sad!

very sad

Eh just a statement of how I understand. It doesn't bother me now, considering I was all but perfectly fine yesterday. I actually forgot it was that until that night.

Your an incredible strong person Tiva

Ahhhh I see.

I am not strong, i sunk into depression for close to a year. Then a couple of things happened, one we moved houses, two one of the graduating class died of cancer, and three another of my friends accidentally got part of his left thumb shot off. I had barely passed a class the first semester after and failed my english class the second semester after because a lot of my work was 'too depressing and repetitive' because i talked about my Dad's suicide. At that point I had basically decided that it was life, my Dad was gone and I couldn't bring him back I could either sink down in depression and join him or I could live my life to make him proud. I chose the second because of not wanting to leave my Mom with nothing, she had buried her husband and her father in less than a year I didn't want her to bury her only true child also. I don't consider myself strong, I consider myself to be human.

What most people find weird is that I can sit there and talk about it. Like I have to tell my RA at school why if we are in dorm I may be really quiet, or a professor why I can't watch a suicide in a movie.

Its more than what I can say, I lost my little ones in Jan of 2009 and I'm no where near that. If it hadn't been for my oldest daughter already being here giving me a reason to get up everyday I wouldn't be here. It was the fact that at that time I was the only thing she had and I couldn't leave her without anyone at 2 years old that kept me going.