Being pushed aside and forgotten by your own mother hurts like nothing else.
I can't wait to move away from here. I can't stand her.

There's a couple of reasons I don't tell you or Dad when I'm not feeling good. The first is that both of you tend to dismiss it and accuse me of laziness. The second is that I seem to recall a certain someone saying that they wouldn't help me with any more bills even if I asked.

I am on a downward oscillating ride of depression. I am tired of being a rock and at times cannot help but care for other people. I am trying to let them fix themselves. Especially when someone needs to figure out things them selves. I am really, really fucking sick of being a rock.

I am paranoid being both a woman and a minority in a red state where wearing a hoodie or sitting in a car or walking down the street may kill you.

People are crazy. I want my Internet back.

I have a crush on a guy who is local but I'm afraid to tell him because he's the most positive, upbeat guy I know and I feel fat and ugly so I wont let him know I like him.

My depression has successfully warped itself again, but is staying functional. I no longer feel the need to self harm really, but really really wish an accident would happen that would cause my death.

I just experienced my first social weariness a few nights ago. I'm no longer enjoying small talk as I used to. It just feels like putting on airs. I don't know if my gut feeling is trying to tell me something.

I'm a bit nervous to bring up the fact that I was at a crisis stabilization center the weekend of the 11th with you, even though you kind of have an idea of how bad things were getting for me, because of Facebook posts. I know you've been more than willing to stay by my side even seeing my darkness, but yeah... anxiety and depression are jerks.

Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I don't want a relationship. But no one seems to understand that. And I am so tired of being lonely because "I chose" to be this way.

I am deep down very depressed but I've been able to keep my depression at bay by sheer will. Because of my past, I've came to terms with the fact that I am not meant to find happiness. It is a punishment, a consequence from my past. Instead, my life purpose is to help others be happy by sacrificing my own. This conclusion depresses me but I wear a mask every day.

To all those on Tris who are struggling, please, reach out. Depression and anxiety mess with your view of how things "should" be. And I'm speaking from experience on that. It will not be an easy journey, but asking for help can save your life.

I'm currently in the funks and I hate it as an extrovert. :( Lately, I'm becoming so sensitive over everything. I really need a break from school to recuperate.

Sometimes I wish that I had never had kids.
I love my daughter and son, but Damn, it'd be nice to not have to have the stress of parenthood constantly on my shoulders.

I think every parent wishes that at some point or another.

I'm so frustrated with my dad! He refuses to respect my decisions and treat me like an adult. And based on how he treats my siblings, I suspect it's because I don't have any significant other.
Because of this, I'm beginning to hate him.

Getting rid of my childhood Christmas ornaments and then lying and saying I had already taken them just makes it worse, too.

I'm afraid that i might get caught doing what i shouldnt be doing. Im afraid that i would dissapoibt them because they believed in me :(

I know that these people are not my friends.
I know that they seem to think our friendship is great, but it nothing more then a relationship between and enabler and an abuser.
I understand that I only wish to help people, but leaving myself open like this is the reason I am constantly walked on.
I wish to sock these people in the face, but also don't feel like dealing with the consequences of it either. YET THEY WON'T SHUT UP.

I spend more and more time at work because I do not want to be home. I do not want to be in a space I cannot even view as my own when I pay for it.
Yet even as I try to stand up for myself in these manners, I am being told I am the cause of the pain, I am the reason someone is suffering, I am the one who is being to harsh.
At what point do I ever win? I either have to suffer silently, or be the one blamed when I try to speak out?

I have become physically sick with these people here, throwing up from panic attacks multiple times a week after I FINALLY got it under control.

So my only wish for now is loneliness, I just want to be alone and no one will give me any space. I get less then 3 hours a day to spend with my husband while awake, and I spend 2.5 of it with other people....
Hell even my one day a week I get a full night to myself, a nice 7 hours of time for me has been invaded and I am down to maybe a half hour.....

Venting doesn't even work anymore because it never stops I never get a chance to reset it's been a little less then a year since I was juggling 3 jobs working 70+hours a week and I still have not stopped since then...

I have wanted to move for years. And in the back of my head, I think I always knew why...but it took me stumbling across and reading an old e-mail from 2007 that my dad sent me.
My dad is emotionally abusive. It's very subtle and he really only seems to do it to me.
But the farther away I can move, the less likely it is that I will ever have to see or talk to him.
None of my local friends seem to understand though, and they constantly tell me that I should be happy to get to spend time with him and that I'll miss him when he dies. But I really won't miss him that much.

I tried to commit suicide multiple times.... But iam well now but it took 5years to stabilize my moods! I just can't stand myself and others!!!

The older I grow the less I hate my mom and the more I hate her wife :/ . As a kid her wife would come up to my sister and I and rant about how our mother was injust and how that was just her and how we all just had to share the experience together.

Now...It seems like my mother's wife is more mentally destructive than my mother ha.


Every kid should respect their parents? I would never respect a stepmother that talked about everyone behind their backs. I wouldn't respect a mentally damaging mother. But, I guess when I grow up I'll still be grateful that they spent money on me.


It's funny. I was raised learning that nothing is more important than money. Can money buy love? No. But it sure can buy people.



EDIT: Granted, as I get older, the less indignation I feel towards having my parents--kind of just accept what I can and feel more ashamed for being dramatic about my family situation when there are people who have it worse >_<

I feel like an idiot who can never say/do/type the right things. Ever.
I feel so much like I am a waste of a perfectly good life.
Then I get kitty snuggles. And it helps. A little. I feel like I'm good for something.
But I still feel like I can't ever say the right things.
XP

Ugh...sorry for the emo ranting stuff.

Sometimes I resent the world for making me feel like I need to mask who I really am to get anything I want. I don't need your "Acceptance," or your "tolerance." The words are condescending and patronizing. I just need you to not be an asshole and stopping seeing me with a big flashing neon label over my head; as if anything I do affects your own life somehow.

I feel like I keep pushing people away. And it's not consciously intentional. My brain just kind of vomits emotions that I can't properly verbalize without having them come out the wrong way, so I get unintentionally passive aggressive and/or I pull away. And then people kind of give up on me because I'm "too moody" or some other reason. I hate my brain.

I wish you could understand just how difficult making phone calls is for me, and just how badly anxiety affects me. I know you get how depression can affect someone, from your own experiences, but you really don't get just how integrated into everything I do each day anxiety has become. It's gotten to the point where I'd rather walk into places to make appointments, and that's even a bit triggering for me at times. I don't like being this way, and I wish to high heaven that I wasn't this way.

I wish I wasn't so scared of social interaction. I don't want to fail my classes again, but I get so scared before each class I feel like I'm gonna puke. I'm already not doing well, but I can turn it around...

Please for the love of god stop being an asshole. I can hear you. This is not your house, it doesn't mean you can do what ever. It doesn't make sense that you have a child, with a woman and already after months have discarded your family in exchange for a night with what sounds like a porn star, who mewls like a damn cat. It's disrespectful. It's gross. I want to beat the living shit out of you with my machete.

I still can't believe that you had the gall to not only put some of my belongings in a hot attic, knowing full well that that could damage some of them, you also had the gall to blame me for one of the items getting damaged beyond my ability to repair it, and that you not only did not apologize, you didn't seem to think you'd done anything wrong, and thus did not need to help me replace what your actions damaged. Nijika was bought with money I earned, that I saved up. I can't fix her, and you've basically ruined a $180 belonging of mine because I didn't get something cleaned up in your timeframe.

This, plus the stunt you and he pulled last year with the federal check that was NOT issued to you... Swear to all things holy that if I ever get the chance, and won't be at risk of you tossing me out on to the street, I am going to get every cent you've stolen from me back, and I will drag your "good" name through the mud. I will make it known what a manipulative, thieving, lying sociopath you are.

IDGAFF if this causes me to be disowned. I already know most of the family doesn't want anything to do with me.

"You don't care about adults." Ha. Could you not say that to my sister, please? Who's an adult huh? You only care about yourself. They say that people see in others what they see in themselves.

"I hate you." As a mother, could you not say that to your kid please? It's OK for me by now, because I'd be happy if you died in a fire, but my sister actually cares about you? Could you not be so destructive? Please and thank-you?

Opening up all the windows in winter just because YOU were annoyed by a smell? Saying my sister doesn't care about you because she cooked and so there's the smell? What did YOU did when my eyes hurt when you sprayed peppermint oil all over the place? Yell at me, that's what. What do you think condones you to be selfish then? What right do you have to tell another person what you think they are? Okay, I don't believe in rights. But could you not go around abusing your family please? Especially when that family DOES care about you? I don't, but at least my sister, whom you yelled at does. It'd be terrible if she turned out anything like me.

---------------

How can you tell a kid they're "bothersome" and that the next time they "do this thing" you'll "kick them out of the house"? Especially when you say it that way, in that tone of voice--how dare you attack someone personally that way? Not just someone, this is your daughter. How dare, you even attempt to put such thoughts into someone's head. Just because she cooked at night, and forgot to turn off the oven, does not warrant that reaction. AT ALL. Sure, tell her she did something wrong--and she'll be happy to apologize. But you shut off the modem as punishment AND you tell her she's bothersome to the family? Really? Is this a conscious or unconscious attempt at emotional manipulation? And to what end? I can't even say a thing because it'll just exacerbate things, and I don't think my sister would like that. Crazy woman. How dare you call someone else crazy when it's clearly you? How dare you try to call someone bothersome when it's really you? Can't you just point out a fault and let someone learn from it? Can you NOT try to make someone feel like making even one mistake is punishable by kicking someone out? We all learn from our mistakes. Heck, striving to make mistakes is a GOOD thing (well, no. But being unafraid to make mistakes is). There's no such thing as a perfect human being Mom, and you're the least perfect person I know anyway. My sister made a mistake. Don't try to make her feel like it's unforgivable.

It's pretty clear that I'm not the favorite child. I've known that since high school. That doesn't give you the right to cause my property to be damaged without offering to replace it, and then blame me for it becoming damaged because I didn't get something cleaned up fast enough for your liking. It also doesn't give you the right to extort money from me, or to hold my property illegally. If I were in a safe place, your ass would be in court, and you'd very likely lose, because I have proof of your actions.

In the end, I'm just a honeymoon child. I can tell that much by how much verbal abuse I had to endure for the past few days.

I have spent the past 3 weeks being forced into social interactions I don't want. I was so mentally drained I could barely message people i generally talk to everyday, such was the reason I was not around for a bit.
I was in literal tears last weekend. Why can't people stop and leave me alone? Why am I forced constantly to be other peoples rocks and therapists and goddamn taxis? Why do I have to bend over backwards and cost myself HUNDREDS of dollars when the same people I help won't even be around after I help them, or will only be around when they need something again.
So Fed up, about to change my number and move.
I should not be constantly allowing myself to get walked on hurt like I always do......

I am not okay. And no one even knows.

I wish I could pull the trigger...

Edit: also, my 4 year old daughter is going to the child pyschologist to get tested for schizophrenia and I already know he's gonna say she does. What other 4 year old gets caught holding a knife staring off into space and when you ask her whats she's doing and why she has a knife she says "I dont know." In a very vague voice and gives it to em and walk off, or strangle her brother, or smash things in her siblings faces, or have to be restrained because she bangs her head until she bleeds, among other things. Something is seriously psychologically wrong with her and I know already its schizophrenia. I have it to and I feel guilty, like I did this to her somehow because I have it...I'm such a failure as a father. I cant do a single thing right, not even make kids.

Not really a secret...but I just needed a place to rant for a sec.

AAAAAAAAAA!!!! Yes, my dragon plushies don't have long spiky tails. YOU STILL CAN FUCKING TELL IT'S A DRAGON THOUGH! So why the hell does EVERYONE ask where it's tail is. For fuck's sake! Not all dragons are the same! It's supposed to be cutsey! A little plush baby dragon! I will not be modifying ANYTHING just to conform to what people seem to expect! My dragons are unique, so fuck off!
D8

Rant done. Thanks, I feel better now.

Driving alone has been really hard lately.
My head just keeps telling me "Just drive faster, just don't turn the wheel, just go over the edge so you wont endanger anyone else. . . ." It is filled with images of me laying there crumpled, yet feeling fulfilled as I am broken and fading. If I did it at night, no one would find me until it was to late, and I could make sure there would be no saving of me. . . .
but why do I feel like this?
I know I don't have as many reasons to be depressed as others who deserve to, and I thought I had been doing good the past few months. . . . I find no logical reason for me to feel this way, and usually knowing that is enough to shake my own feelings but lately some things are just getting harder then they should be. .. .