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I don't understand how I can know someone for almost 30 years and have them turn out to be such a jerk...
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aaaaand here i am again. seriously, self, why can't you just get through undergrad. it's been five fucking years. brain, stop doing the dumb and get it the fuck together.
and is it so weird to want this much personal space in any potential relationship? are all the people who are interested in me, actually that clingy, or is it just me? is what i'm even slightly interested in, a romantic relationship at all? why is being more-or-less ace/aro so difficult and difficult to explain in today's society. |
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I don't want you anymore... I haven't done for a long time but I just cannot cope anymore... I know I am being selfish but it's time I started some real self care for the first time, but I cannot do that with you in my face every 2 seconds... I cannot do that with you constantly screaming and crying at me, with you constantly demanding so much of me and yet giving nothing back in return... I am not happy here, but I have nowhere else to go... I just want all of this to be gone...
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So, here we are again, with you being incredibly insensitive despite claiming you "Understand" what I'm going through. I'm sorry I'm not Storm, and that I can't control the weather, and thus cannot control when I have a fucking headache. I'm tempted to just drag you to my therapist with no time to make yourself feel presentable, regardless of how that'd make you feel, but I won't. I'm not as much of an asshole as you seem to think I am.
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Yeah okay fuck y'all fuckers. thanks for putting the reputation of the uni ahead of student's literal lives. fuck you. fuck you for not letting me enjoy the school i was so happy to be accepted into, where i've formed so many wonderful friendships and have a loving support network. fuck you for kicking me out. fuck you for suspending me even though i literally told you i might not make it out alive.
sure, i want to go to another school, find a way to succeed despite the voice in my head telling me it's not my college of choice, despite being home with toxic parents and no face-to-face contact with any of my friends. i want to do it just to spite you. i want to do it just to be able to laugh in your face. i want to do so well that you'll want to make me an honorary graduate, and then i can turn you down because i don't give a rat's ass about the reputation that you worship to the extent of ignoring the suicidality of your students. that's a bad idea. fuck you. i'll do it for myself. i don't need to prove jack shit to you. i just need to prove it to myself. |
I really hope this mornings blood tests actually come back with some real answers as to why I am so tired all the time as I really can't carry on like this... If I could I would just up and leave until I could sort myself out but that's not really an option is it? I wish we'd never had the child so I wouldn't be stuck here in this crappy situation....
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I feel trapped. I work a call center and the company is great but its just overwhelming kissing customers ass back to back. I actually want to do something. I want a real career but its either call center or minimal wage jobs. I guess its my fault for not taking my high school years seriously...
Spent the first two years getting high and spent the last two years fencing stolen trading cards and causing mayhem. Did not care about school and did not care about college. Did not consider my future. |
I'm freaking out a bit now that it's sinking in that I've gotten my disability application submitted.
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Sometimes I think I'm so inadequate I might as well die. Like once my childhood is over I'll have to kiss life goodbye. But I like living, so then I think the world will just have to deal with my inadequate self for a bit longer. Actually it's just college making me think that way--well, college and bad body image but still. It's like all my values don't mesh with the world's or something. Like if life were an rpg, I'd have stats scattered in all the wrong places without a perfect 2/3-stats specialization.
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I am so sick of this feeling. I am so sick of seeing those around who are supposed to care the most completely ignore me on a daily basis. I am so tired of trying to reach out and engage with others only to have it tossed back in my face as they talk to everyone BUT me. To watch yourself get replaced by others because you just aren't around at the moment. . . I have attempted to show my disdain. I have also attempted to pull back from the situation, truthfully hoping someone would notice and would try to bring me back in. In reality, it shows me the truth I have known all along. I do not belong. It could be on the chat, it could be in person, it can even be here on trisphee sometimes. And the farther along this year gets the more I feel I just need to disappear. Everything goes on fine without me, I have seen it with my own eyes. For weeks I can disappear without even a single person recognizing or acknowledging my absence. Seeing this only drives me deeper into myself, into the black poison of my own self-degrading thoughts. I really just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much longer I can be around this, and worse is that THIS is my entire life, from internet to real world. . . there is hardly any difference in the words and actions being said and done, only the faces and voices they are being said and done by.
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It's the new year. Not only is my body wracked with pain from endo, but I also found out my husband has apparently been talking to a cam girl from snapchat for a few months, and got scammed when he sent her personal items. This all started because I begged him to get into something kinky with me or at least look at other women for us to think about together. So he decided to get premium snapchats of girls. I told him he didn't have to pay for it he can get it for free offline. This was springish. The last response I found was from the end of November.
Instead he tried to talk to her, even asking for her to get on snap or kik. I am not sure how upset to be, and besides this post have told only one person about this situation. We will be married 6 years come February. . . I am more hurt then mad. I am generally an aggressive person, known to possibly fly off the handle at times. I can't even bring myself to cry right now. I already feel terrible about myself and how I look. At best I feel I am average, and have gained 30 lbs more then I have ever been in my life. I hate being in my own skin daily, and here comes this. Is it because I asked for it? Is it because I begged him to go outside of his comfort zone? And how would outside of his comfort zone lead to this? He sent her personal items for fucks sake. . . and he doesn't even know her real name. These past few months have been hard for me mentally and they just seem to get deeper and deeper. Some days it is hard to pull myself out enough to function. . . and now I have to function with this on my mind?. . . |
Quote:
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forgive me father for I have sinned.
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My health is going down rapidly, and I have no real desire to take care of myself. I just kinda wanna wither away because fuck it, why not?
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I feel so. . .blank.
I am not here, I am not anywhere. I am unsure if I am existing, or going through motions like a machine. I have attempted to reach out to different people in the past few weeks. Maybe a new perspective would benefit me? But no, rather it shows me a new perspective of how the world is, when no one acknowledges a word. It's quite odd. As of late it seems I can scream and cry and literally plead for help and yet. . .* Yet no one does a thing. They say all you need to do is ask. . . Well I have asked, I have pleaded, I have yelled and yammered until my mental voice cannot scream anymore. If everyone else is struggling to swim, why would I expect them to help me from drowning. . . |
Do you know de way. I think...I think I lost de way.
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My secret.... I don't know how to function as a human. With how I grew up... I've been suicidally depressed since the 3rd grade. I'm finally starting to pull myself out of the endless chasm that is depression, but I'm starting to realize I may not be able to function as an adult.
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I've been losing touch with reality more and more. I thought this would stop after my ECT treatments. But now I just want to stay dreaming. I don't want to wake up anymore, its too confusing...
BLARGH that's my secret. |
I'm relieved that my mother is dead, because she was such a source of drama and stress for me. I miss her, and I'm sad, but I'm so relieved that I'm not walking on eggshells with her anymore. And it's such a garbage way to feel, but it's honesty.
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I thought I was gay until middle school. Now, as an adult, I'm not sure if the only reason I like men is my sexual addiction.
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how the fuck is it fair that a lady as awesomely badass as my Grandma Esther got lung cancer that spread to her brain, resulting in her death, when her youngest son, who is a complete and total asshole when he's drunk, still smokes and drinks heavily, and has had open heart surgery once already? My boyfriend will never get to know my Grandma. I won't have her there if I ever get married. With the way things are going, I may not have my dad there, either.
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i'm scared of slipping back to where i was three years ago
i don't want to go back there but i can feel myself slipping a bit at a time |
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fuck you. fuck your lazy-ass habits and the fact that you don't see anything wrong with not helping mom and me out by cleaning up your messes. you don't see anything wrong with just laying around on the weekends. you could be helping mom and me with the upkeep of the house by dusting or vacuuming, or fucking trying to quit smoking and drinking so fucking much, but no. that would be too much work.
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When you feel like you're digging way too much into a situation happening between friends(acquaintances?) but you can't help it cause it's entertaining to you. D: And because you weren't present when all this was happening, and you have a knack for digging up info about this kinda stuff when bored. ;_; It's like watching a drama series/movie but you know the people involved. And you're secretly waiting for more to happen... >_>"
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i thought taking meds for the first time in weeks would make things better
everything is worse why doesn't my brain fucking work properly this is my previous college all over again why can'tt hings ever just go right for once i'm sad and tired and tired of being tired and tired of being sad and scaredscared scared just leave me alone for a week let me get everything back on track tiredof being tired |
I get so pissed off when friends use me. They borrow money, never pay it back, only one friend ever paid money I loaned her and I am glad because it was for $2k. I feel that people only want me when they want something, if they don't want something they never bother calling me to go out. I had such a hard time accepting this.
I made peace with this. I learned to spend time alone, with my thoughts, with my books, my tv. Now I don't invite anyone to go anywhere, if I want to do something I do it by myself. I wait for people to call me, and I've found that those people are the ones that care about me, that want nothing from me, that just want to make a connection. I've also learned that people can only be who they are, they cannot be who I wish them to be. It has been a learning time for me, and I've come out so much stronger and happier. |
I spend far too much time fucking around when I work from home and I hate myself for it but somehow I keep getting off task
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i'll be real w u once.
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Idk if this is much of a dark secret, but eh whatever, I just need to post it somewhere. D:
I hate the thought of getting older. I do tell myself that it doesn't matter how old you are and that you can still enjoy the things that make you happy regardless of age, but I just fear that the older I get the more people are going to judge for me being into stuff that "doesn't fit my age". (anime, cartoons, cosplay, etc) but I do get this relief when I see that others my age(and older) are still into these things and that also makes me feel better. :) |
be an casserole
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I ran away from my family around the age of eighteen to escape from a pretty abusive mother after my ill father passed due do head trauma issues. From the age of fourteen to eighteen I stepped in for my mother and took care of my disabled father until he left me and I had waited until then because I knew the guilt of leaving him with her would have eaten me up inside.
Anyways, I haven't changed my cell number in all these years so my family keeps calling me and i'v grown a huge phobia of even touching my phone. I don't want to speak to them at all, but I also can't grow the balls to fully cut them out. They always call around the holidays and I take forever to listen to their voicemails they leave. It always makes me break down completely. My mother's messages are always the worst though.. It's like something breaks inside of me completely breaks for several days. |
My abusive, narcissistic mother blocked me in every way she can because she's "sick of me playing the victim all the time" and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm having less episodes of depression, and finally sleeping deep enough to dream regularly again for the first time since I was like 8.
But I can't help but feel guilty for the progress. She's still my mother, even if she is a cunt. |
I think I need an adjustment or change of medication again. I'm not feeling like I did a couple years ago, but I just feel 'off'. I was fine while I was out visiting the boyfriend, aside from one day where I just couldn't seem to get enough sleep, and I was fine the day after I got back, but today, I just felt like not getting out of bed at all, even with it being nice and sunny outside. I did get some stuff done today, and took my meds like I'm supposed to (I'm really good about that for the most part), but my eyes hurt, and I feel like if I lay down, I'll just go to sleep.
And Mom's said part of next week (when the school district is on spring break) is going to be spent "dealing with the basement". which means I'll have to put away everything of mine related to my hobbies, and that I'll have to argue to have a space that isn't secluded in a corner somewhere only to be told to put it all away and not get it out again (yet again. it's happened before). Oh, and next week, she and I go for another mediated discussion with my therapist... |
yayayaiamlorde
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I've honestly almost killed myself several times in the past 12 hours. If my friend hadn't realized my subtle cries for help and taken me out to breakfast, I'd be bloody in the bathtub right now.
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no
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I worked hard for 8 years to become a great artist, and was finally almost at the level I had wanted to be. A really bad accident happened that wasn't my fault, and I learned many things.
How useless doctors are, how expensive it could be just to end up with the same result in the end, how you can be in your 20s and get your life stolen from you, your dreams shattered, how you can be utterly alone and sometimes you do need someone to help you out when bad things happen. They were all bad doctors that believed it wasn't that bad, but then it turned out it was, and I have permanent nerve damage, and I can't art or type long without lava flowing through my arm, and even if I ignore it, it and my hand will just stop working. I learned how cruel humans could be to people they don't care about. I learned that my parents were capable of threatening to kick me out if I didn't do stuff for them with a freshly broken body, rather then them be comforting and do stuff for me. I learned that it can take 18 months to 3 years to get to know if the government will call you disabled or not. I learned that most states aren't even above 50% approval rating and there's even one at 18% approval rating. People are something they line their pockets with, not that they help in any way. I want to escape being trapped in 100 square feet. I only have one person in my life that I talk (aka text only) on a daily basis, and they live many many states away and usually aren't there for me when I'm feeling awful, and I've been in need of advice, but I've never found anyone that could give me any. My life has always been that way, and I have always sought and held refuge on the online world since around 2001-2004 era because of how awful the people in my family and area can be. I haven't been able to view the future as anything at all now, when there's nothing I can do now other than try to survive, because most my old hobbies and abilities aren't something I can indulge in. Sometimes I would like to believe there is meaning. |
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