Trisphee - Dirty little secrets...

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- - Dirty little secrets... (http://www.trisphee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20136)

Do you know de way. I think...I think I lost de way.

My secret.... I don't know how to function as a human. With how I grew up... I've been suicidally depressed since the 3rd grade. I'm finally starting to pull myself out of the endless chasm that is depression, but I'm starting to realize I may not be able to function as an adult.

I've been losing touch with reality more and more. I thought this would stop after my ECT treatments. But now I just want to stay dreaming. I don't want to wake up anymore, its too confusing...

BLARGH that's my secret.

I'm relieved that my mother is dead, because she was such a source of drama and stress for me. I miss her, and I'm sad, but I'm so relieved that I'm not walking on eggshells with her anymore. And it's such a garbage way to feel, but it's honesty.

I thought I was gay until middle school. Now, as an adult, I'm not sure if the only reason I like men is my sexual addiction.

how the fuck is it fair that a lady as awesomely badass as my Grandma Esther got lung cancer that spread to her brain, resulting in her death, when her youngest son, who is a complete and total asshole when he's drunk, still smokes and drinks heavily, and has had open heart surgery once already? My boyfriend will never get to know my Grandma. I won't have her there if I ever get married. With the way things are going, I may not have my dad there, either.

i'm scared of slipping back to where i was three years ago

i don't want to go back there

but i can feel myself slipping a bit at a time

I feel like such a waste. A waste of space, a waste of time. A lost cause. Like I could slip through the cracks and disappear and no one would know. Or care. I could just go away forever and everyone would be so much better off without me. I wouldn't be whining or complaining; being an emotional drain. And no one would have to waste their money on me; buying lunch or gifts. People say they'd notice, that they'd care, but they're lying. My contact with the outside world is so...sporadic for lack of a better word, that it would take days for anyone to even notice. Days before work got curious and called someone. Or maybe my bosses wouldn't care, they'd just consider me fired and move on.
I mean, lets face it, I deactivate my Facebook often, usually for no reason, I seldom answer texts from "friends", and I've been known to take weeks, even months, off from my sites. Sometimes more actually. I'm only active here and no one would probably even notice I was gone from here. At least until the next event. It would be so easy. I can't do it though. I want to so much sometimes. Well, actually I haven't wanted to for many years, but my current circumstances being what they are, it's all coming back in one big wave of nothingness. Of complete emotional numbness. Of wanting to die, just wanting to end it all so I don't have to deal with all the bullshit and pain that humans inflict upon each other. I mean, hell, I don't have a purpose in life. I'm not procreating or doing anything great with mu life. I'm not changing the world. I'm just one big waste. But I'm too weak, no, not weak. Too concerned I guess to actually do it. If I knew it would be fast and painless maybe I'd try. I'd end it and let the garbage of my life be thrown out in the dumpster, left for the vultures to pick through it in the alley and collect the best of remains of a useless person. Then my thoughts turn to cutting like I used to do, not with a blade like most people, but with thumbtacks and sewing needles, just scratching over and over endless until they were deep enough wounds to bleed. Hurts more that way, and that's all I want. Pain. Something to feel. Something to show that I'm not okay. But no one sees or cares, they always just look away, uncomfortable, ashamed for me, but never willing to acknowledge that I am a person. Someone who just wants someone ymto say "I care" and actually mean it. Because, let's face it, everyone claims to care when you talk about this stuff, but they don't really. They just say that to try to talk you down, but you wouldn't even notice if I disappeared. And we both know it. But nothing will happen. Not now anyway. I still have the cats to take care of and that, though small, gives me a reason to live. And my current circumstances won't last forever. Hopefully.
But for now, the numb emptiness has returned. In full force. I just want to sleep forever.

fuck you. fuck your lazy-ass habits and the fact that you don't see anything wrong with not helping mom and me out by cleaning up your messes. you don't see anything wrong with just laying around on the weekends. you could be helping mom and me with the upkeep of the house by dusting or vacuuming, or fucking trying to quit smoking and drinking so fucking much, but no. that would be too much work.

When you feel like you're digging way too much into a situation happening between friends(acquaintances?) but you can't help it cause it's entertaining to you. D: And because you weren't present when all this was happening, and you have a knack for digging up info about this kinda stuff when bored. ;_; It's like watching a drama series/movie but you know the people involved. And you're secretly waiting for more to happen... >_>"

i thought taking meds for the first time in weeks would make things better
everything is worse
why doesn't my brain fucking work properly
this is my previous college all over again why can'tt hings ever just go right for once
i'm sad and tired and tired of being tired and tired of being sad
and scaredscared scared just leave me alone for a week let me get everything back on track
tiredof being tired

I get so pissed off when friends use me. They borrow money, never pay it back, only one friend ever paid money I loaned her and I am glad because it was for $2k. I feel that people only want me when they want something, if they don't want something they never bother calling me to go out. I had such a hard time accepting this.

I made peace with this. I learned to spend time alone, with my thoughts, with my books, my tv. Now I don't invite anyone to go anywhere, if I want to do something I do it by myself. I wait for people to call me, and I've found that those people are the ones that care about me, that want nothing from me, that just want to make a connection. I've also learned that people can only be who they are, they cannot be who I wish them to be.

It has been a learning time for me, and I've come out so much stronger and happier.

I spend far too much time fucking around when I work from home and I hate myself for it but somehow I keep getting off task

i'll be real w u once.

Idk if this is much of a dark secret, but eh whatever, I just need to post it somewhere. D:

I hate the thought of getting older. I do tell myself that it doesn't matter how old you are and that you can still enjoy the things that make you happy regardless of age, but I just fear that the older I get the more people are going to judge for me being into stuff that "doesn't fit my age". (anime, cartoons, cosplay, etc) but I do get this relief when I see that others my age(and older) are still into these things and that also makes me feel better. :)