I'm engaged to a man but sometimes I wonder how gay I am

checked myself b4 i wrecked myself
 

I can't seem to focus on anything right now. Can't seem to enjoy anything. I feel... numb. And I know what it means in the cycle of depression. Usually, I'd smoke a bowl and I'd come out of it, but I've got shit. So now I'm drinking again and I know I'd hate myself if I weren't so numb right now, especially knowing it'll absolutely fuck my back tomorrow.

I just want to feel

I feel like we're falling apart
But it's okay, it always happens eventually

Why can't I sleep at night like a normal person?! Sometimes I hate being such a night owl. </3

I want to post on a certain social media platform about the shit I'm going through, but I don't want to worry a friend of mine who is having a good day...

I hate when I get into something "late" (take a really popular anime series that's been out for a long time for example), some of my so-called "friends" have to make me feel inferior because of the fact that I became a fan so late. They have to act like they're such a big shot because they know more than I do, and make me look like an idiot. Instead of making me feel stupid, be a real friend and try to, idk, be nice???????? Is it really that hard to be a real friend??????????????

My fiance found out last night that I stole a key to his lockbox before he ever opened it and that's why it only had one key. He knows I've been stealing our medical marijuana for almost a year. Apparently I lied well enough that now he's questioning every last aspect of our 7 year relationship, even my fidelity and whether I even love him. We're both fucking broken and I feel like I've lost my rock, my only stability in this life.
He says this may have irreparably damaged our relationship, and he doesn't know if we'll go on from here. I haven't been able to see myself with anyone else since I was 15. He's the only person in the world who is even CLOSE to understanding the cacaphonous, psychotic melancholy that is my mind, and if he leaves me for this, I don't know if I can go on.

I lowkey hate people, and I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.

Well, more like, I hate people who don't take me seriously, which is basically everyone. Everyone thinks I'm either a brat, "awww you're so cute! ^^" or just a dumb little girl. Let me tell you the truth. I'm not a brat, or a cute little girl. People underestimate me because of the way I look and all that. Or that I seem "fragile". I'm way more nasty than people think and you DON'T wanna mess with me. D:< I just don't let my anger show, but when someone pushes me over the edge, I WILL LET THEM HAVE IT.

*cue Aggretsuko singing death metal here*