Dirty little secrets...
 

Do you have a secret you want to tell, but just can't seem to voice it?
Well, guess what? This is a place where you can post it and release your kept-in emotions and feelings that are burdening your life with stress.

The purpose of this thread is so that you can let out your emotions: excitement, resentment, or anything else that you are feeling at the time of posting. It is for releasing your secret into an environment where you can keep your secret hidden from people in your surroundings, and letting your friends know what you are going through without formally telling them. If you would like, you may also write your secret as an unsent letter.

If a secret is posted in this thread then it is okay for you to read, but the one thing that I would ask is that you do not respond to anyone's secrets. Remember, you are allowed to post whatever you want and as much as you want, in as much detail as you would like. You are the writer of your own life. Therefore, it is your secret!

DO NOT REPLY TO OTHER PEOPLES POSTS!!!! *STARTS GETTING ANGRY (HULK MODE XD )*

Quoting is in fact a way of replying. Please keep this in mind when posting. Thank you.

>.>
I have a strong tendency towards suicidal thoughts, usually sparked by the subject of identity (so, for me, gender/sexuality...and the concept of free will/purpose). The personal pronoun I use for myself is not "He/She/They" but "it."

Here's mine:

I often have dreams where I'm committing acts of violence. Strangling, or stabbing, sometimes even tearing someone apart with my bare hands. This is why I try to leave music playing while I sleep, to sort of direct my dreams away from the random violence. And most of the time that works well.

As of late, I've been feeling more and more like I'll never be able to make anything of myself, that I'll be forever doomed to living out of Percy-car, and that I won't be able to provide for my basic needs. That I'll forever be a failure and will never get away from being poor and dependent on other people's kindness forever.

I had lots of issues as a teenager, and ended up putting work above everything, even relationships. So, even if purely technically it's not exactly right, I am still a virgin: I didn't had sex with anyone yet, nor even kissed.

I'm extremely lazy and would prefer just playing video games all day. Sadly though that doesn't make any money (or at least not for me) and doesn't help me get out of my parents' place. Good news is I have a better paying job now~ Now to just get those accounting certificates. *sigh* I hate this economy, you'd think that someone with a degree in math would be doing better then retail when they got out of college, but NO. >_>

I used to dread my birthday every year, because my mother would always find a way to turn it into a horrible, stressful day. To name a few examples:

There was the year she screamed at me for having the audacity to spend time with my friends when they visited instead of cleaning the house while they were there.
There was the year she visited me in college and pushed me away when I went to hug her, announcing I was an ugly, greasy-haired child who looked homeless, and she wouldn't talk to me unless I took a shower. (My hair looked greasy because it was still WET from the shower I had taken before they arrived.)
There was the year she made me a kind of cake I had hated for YEARS and yelled at me when I wouldn't eat it. (I wouldn't eat it because when I was much younger she had made me eat a half-baked one as my only food for a week as punishment for something I was too young to understand was wrong - I had thought I was helping. But she won't even admit that ever happened. To this day, I still can't eat that cake, OR the fruit that's in it.)
There was the year I was a horrible and ungrateful child for not liking the 'gift' she had been trying to force on me for the last six months (when I literally had an inability to even use it - who uses a giant steel-reinforced suitcase they aren't tall enough or strong enough to lift when EMPTY, in a room several floors up with no elevator? Wheels don't help me with that). She told me before she gave it to me, "I have a present for you, but you're going to hate it," and then was surprised when I told her I hadn't come up with a use for it since I had turned it down the week prior, and angry that I scuffed up the bottom in my attempts to bring it upstairs (empty, at her insistence) to the point she couldn't gift it as "new" anymore.

I can never win with her. I can't even break out even.


Living several hours away, over the last few years I have had enough space to retake back the days that should be mine, because it's too far for her to travel comfortably. I have had some great friends who have gone out of their way to make the day special until finally, my birthday is mine again...

And now she's announced that we're celebrating my birthday together this year. My parents have picked a restaurant halfway between, because I have a gift certificate to go there and they want to try it. At least it's not going to be at my house, like originally announced... (That is a complete other story, but my mother is not allowed at my house after her first and final visit there, the day after I bought it.) And I can't say 'no' because I have been through those repercussions before, and they are not worth it.

I am an absolute mess, and it's getting worse as the week gets closer.
I'm not allowed to like my birthday, because my birthday is about my mother, not me, and it's going to always be like that until one of us is dead.

I dread my birthday. It's the worst day of the year.

I hate hospitals. I get that they help people, but I have so many memories of bad things happening to people I cared about in them that I am never comfortable going. Even though I know I should probably go and get my head checked from the accidental blow I took to it today. I hate hospitals that much...

Okay, so our dog gets sick and we can't get him to the usual vet to look at him, so we go to the next closest one that works with that vet we normally go to. Well, some of the problems that we've been having health wise for our dog this new vet spotted and the old vet never even so much as mentioned these problems. So now we're getting our dog towards recovering, but this new vet wants him on a diet because he's over weight by at least four pounds and the vet wants him to loose five. And my mother, the idiot that she is, is having a fit with my dad doing as the vet says, saying we're starving our dog even though we're following what the vet said because they seem to know what they are doing. So my mom was talking to other people who owned the same breed of dog, and they spoiled their dogs so now my mom wants to keep spoiling the dog. And on top of that she's saying that the new vet has no idea what they're talking about when the new vet was the one who figured out the dog's health issue while the other vet just lumped it in with allergies when it wasn't just allergies but ear infections in both freakin ears! >.< I want to smack her but I know that won't solve any problems. >_> My mother is a complete idiot that thinks she has to do like everyone else.

I had to google that and it said something about natural phenomena. x'D

I said I was happy to have this meal with my parents and my brother's family, but I lied to them. I'm sorry, I don't feel good about speaking with my brother, although I'd love to see my little niece.

I'm tired of beeing a target for him, never good enough, I can't take it and smile as if I don't care. Still, I know I'll force myself to be nice and I'll just feel like sh*t as soon as they'll be gone. I hope sunday will be over fast.

I love you but you're taking up too much brain space. Get out. Now.

I was asked earlier if I was feeling well today after looking pale, I lied to the person. I was feeling light headed, my joints hurt, my stomach hurt, my back hurt, my kidneys felt like they where being jabbed, my lungs felt like they where being squeezed and my heart felt like it was ready to explode.

I lied, because I didn't want the person to worry to much and know even now if they knew how I was really feeling it would hurt them and worry them.

My brother is so dense, yet he realizes I'm spending too much time thinking about you. Do you realize how serious that is? And the worst part, you're completely oblivious to how I feel. Acting like a little kid, what are you thinking? I can't do this anymore. I'm almost reaching breaking point right now. There's only little more of this that I can tolerate. After that Ill snap. Will you realize then?

It's taken me years to step out of the Roleplayers' thread because I have a fear of posting in main areas on forum sites, mostly because I feel like the lack of tone in text makes what I say come off as offensive or hostile.

I know I'm not, that is, we're not ready for kids, but I'm secretly a little disappointed that I'm not pregnant after all.

It's been five years since you told me you loved me. Since then you've done nothing but lie, cheat, steal, and abandon me over and over again. Even after all of that I'm willing to give you another chance and that kills me inside. So you don't know yet but I'm looking at other states to move to, I can't handle the pain you bring me much longer.

I wish I could come out to you, but....that seems like an utterly horrible idea, and you'll likely just dismiss it as a phase or something anyways.

worried sick that m Diagnoses of a Vitamin D defecinty is related to a bowl disorder. It sounds horrible but I don't want to be as ill as my brother, I feel sorry for him as there's so little we can do to help and just watch him suffer on a bad day.Since I have simular pains when I go for a number two I'm now scared it's the same fate for my self. I can't even begin to think what if anything a child of mine would end up with medical wise when t omes to problems as so many run in m family.

I don't want to do this job anymore. I hate how my creativity and desire to make things has nosedived since starting, and I hate how stressful it is, but I'm trapped until I can land a different job.

My mom is getting really annoying today in regards to me. My brother is selling his old desk top to my dad and building himself a new one, and my dad is going to give me this one to use. Well my mom is b**ching about how my dad said he wouldn't buy us anymore computers but yet my dad is giving me a computer he'll have no more use for. My mom has said numerous times that she's not going to stick her nose in deals and stuff we make with our dad, yet here she is f**king b**ching about it and trying to make me feel bad when all she's doing is p***ing me off because I wasn't even the one making this deal with my dad! It was my brother making the deal with him, so her b**ching about it to me is null and void and just plain stupid. She's trying to make it seem like I'm making out like a bandit because of it when the entire time I've had a computer shoved in my room on MY desk regardless of whether I wanted it in my room or not, and restricted so that I basically can't do a d**n thing with it! But she just thinks my dad is spoiling me when my dad sees it as a why of recycling the d**n thing instead of just getting rid of it. And then as soon as my dad gets home she's all 'Well I have nothing to do with this so I'm not going to say anything'. BULL SH**!!!!! Not to mention she thinks its all fine and dandy when she can spend thousands of dollars on her kids and grandkids because my dad is nice like that, but throws a f**king sh** fit any time we get a hand me down item from our dad or he buys something less than thirty f**king dollars for us. Hypocrite much? My friend calling her a couch whale is very fitting, that's all she does all day is sit on the d**n couch watching tv, yet thinks she has the right to tell people how to use or spend their money when she can't even do f**king addition! >.<

Oh and one time she threw a f**king fit when my dad gave me his old iPod for my birthday. FOR MY F**KING BIRTHDAY! How much more f**king selfish can a person get? My dad had already bought himself a new one, my mom doesn't even use her d**n MP3 player and my dad knows I'll at least use it, so he gave it to me for my birthday since I asked for a MP3 player that was bigger then my 200 something megabyte one.

Okay, rant over. >>; I tried to sensor everything as best I could. Yes, this is built up stress. =.=;

i am very jealous often times and i constantly worry that i will end up alone and lonely because i am never good enough nor am i a very likeable person. im afraid that all my friends simply tolerate me and that if i dont make an extra effort to be with them they will abandon me. i fear that my family is just burdened to put up with me and even if they say they care about me its just because they have to. i am not the way people see me and im scared that if theyd learn who and how i really am they will toss me aside. i can joke about things that bother me or that are very important to me and i do because im afraid to be resigned for them. sometimes i think about who i am as a person and wonder if i really am me or maybe i just imagine all my problems in order to make me feel special in some way.
ugh.

I've had PTSD since the age of twelve. I finally told my parents about what had happened to me plus all the bullying I endured in school and they told me I was a liar. a liar. I have a clinical diagnosis and take shit tons of medications, but no no I'm just a liar. Even the physical symptoms that I still live through to this day and they bring up how I'm lying constantly. I've tried to kill myself several times because I just can't get a break.
My dad has been an alcoholic for years and among other things, but he won't cut me a break for not knowing my way around a school I've never been to in my life. He calls me an idiot and screams at me for everything and makes me feel worthless.
I don't even know what to do most of the time. Honestly the only escape I've had lately is my religion because no one knows what they're doing to me or they just don't care.

ok so my lil secret is when i was younger id have nightmares that id die in. id feel the pain of dying physically even after id wake up. which is part of the reason y i never told my family about em and y it took me 9 years to talk about my depression with my family

at this point, it really wouldn't surprise me if I ended up with a diagnosis of depression. after all the crap I've gone through in the past year alone...between being evicted, being homeless, and then moving back in with abusive family members because I had nowhere else to go...

i like a guy that is taken but yet also splitting up with the woman hes with :/ part of me wants him while the other part of me just feels like hes going to hurt me like how i have been hurt :/