How hard is living?
 

Really how hard is it to be an adult? Or for that mstter to just have a life? We are raised our whole lives for this moment yet so many people have no idea what to do or say or how to do it. We run around like chickens without heads and yet the population base continues to grow.

I am so sick and tired of people pretending to know what they want or lying about who they are.

However none of this compares to how I feel about people. My biggest pet peeve I would have to say are shallow ignorant selfish people. The ones that no matter what you do to help they still take advantage of you. You could literally give the shirt off of your back and they would still demand more. Blood, sweat and tears are used to make certain people in this world happy yet for the consumerism population we call the human race it is never good enough and people are never satisfied.

Today was a very very bad day and all I have thought about through all of this is how disgusting and uncivilized the human race actually is. We pride ourselves in so many things and in so many ways yet non are acomplishments.

Low people work hard to get the top while the people on top laugh and kill the lower people just to stay where they are.

Money, status, religion....where would the human race be without these? What do you think? What in this world or what about this world bothers you? So much bothers me about this world I feel sick thinking about it all. Literally.

There are many times when I realize that I'm thankful that I'm a conflict-averse introvert.

I realized at some point that social interaction in jobs and the like very rarely ever change much from the way it was in High School. There's still cliques and gossip, and the cool people...it's just easier to ignore or walk away from.

Life isn't that hard, if you can find a way to not let the demanding people bother you. If someone will never be satisfied with what you do for them...do nothing for them. There is no need to associate with people like that.

If you can pay for your important expenses and live without too many concerns about where your money is coming and going, anything else can be dismissed, replaced, or ignored if it is bad for you. I think, anyway.

People just bother me. No matter what you do in life it's never good enough. You can worry about no one but your self and be called selfish and this and that but when you do help and worry about others you get screwed.

It's hard for me to find a middle ground where I am happy because no one is bothering me. I don't think there was ever a time in my life when it was lile that.

I seriously just think I'm done with people in general wich is hard for me to say because I'm a very friendly kind and loving person. However I'm starting to find that I am caring less and less about...anything.

I had an insodint at work where I had to go to therapy. In this I found out something very interesting about myself that I now completely agree with.

I hate emotions. Good bad or otherwise I just don't do emotions. The last time I actually cried was 17yrs ago when my father died on the operating table and brought back. Since then I can't remember the last time I actually showed any emotion. To me it seems to be a way of blocking out the world around me that I just...despise.

Focusing on taking care of yourself doesn't mean complete isolation. No man is an island, entire of itself. If you don't care about ANYONE, then you're failing to take care of your own needs.

You don't have to care about EVERYONE. What you need is an in-group. For me, it's my family and a few close friends. People that accept you unconditionally. People that you love.

I'm glad to hear that you're seeing a therapist. I've been through that kind of emotional numbness before and it isn't good. I'm still healing.

This shit is so true.
A part of me has just accepted being weird because I problem solve differently. I fucking hated highschool, and now I find that I am working in an environment that is just like highschool only people actually worry about the budget. There is no room for an idealist like me, who just wants to help people. Instead its we can't do that because that, or don't do this because as soon as you leave the room they will talk about you behind your back. It turns out they have, and I have only been on the job for two weeks. How stupid and petty.

Perhaps it is not your emotions but people will take advantage of your nature if you let them. I usually follow the fool me once rule and then if its someone I have to work with 3 strikes, then I wont help them anymore. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of patience and kindness, but working together as a team is both implying to be trusted, to be communicated too, and compromise. If your team mates are only looking out for themselves they will use you if you allow it. So I don't, and don't worry about others. Its different from not caring at all.

My job and my well being are more important to me. I can't keep getting worked up over office gossip. I do my job and go.

That, I an familiar with. I spent my time from 12 to 20 sort of with an "exterminate" thought with emotions.

For me, it was not being able to express thoughts or emotions others made me feel - they were scary, and being raised in an emotionally unstable household made the disconnect worse. So, bitter about everyone projecting onto me without any sort of release.

...I find it best for me to write it out, or use my creativity to design a macabre satire of the stuff that gets to me. And talking it out without fear helps.

*Offers pillow for Pink to scream into or punch*

Well you see that's why I'm having such issue with this. In my family everyone is so open with everyone. There is no secrets unless it's me. It's not that THEY hold them it's ME. I have been through so much in my short life I guess I gave up early.

I know it's not healthy I have been told many a time it's not but it's not a switch that I can just flick to make things better. I honestly have been tying for...hell 18 almost 20 years to feel something anything....but nothing.

I gave into emotion once. Fell in love then he broke my heart in the cruelest way....

I just...avoid it all now.

Merg I think I can agree to that. I know what its like to fall hard, fast and be left rummaging through the wreckage for what feels like eons to figure out what parts are you, what parts are them, and where do you go afterwards.

Each person must find their own path. I can only offer that you find a goal to focus on that will help you work towards something rather than letting your mind dwell on these feelings. Often skills and crafts, rituals of sorts can act as meditation.

I do alot of those. I paint and I write and read alot. Though nothing seems to work out. It seems that when I finally start to break through and gain ground that life happens and everything is back to the start.

Recently my therapist told me I was making grounds. That I was starting to Crack the mask I have had firmly placed for years. This gave me hope...then my father collapsed. His health turned worse and now he has an estimated 2 months to live.

With out even saying anything after finding this out the second I walked into my therapist office she looked at me and only said "what happened?" I asked her what she meant by those words and she just tilted her head and said "your mask is back and whole once more." This happened about a month ago and since then no ground has been made.

I just don't know what to do anymore. As a child I was so care free...now...I'm nothing but a shell of my former self and I don't know where or how to change it.

Am I just doomed to be like this?

I wouldn't say "doomed," no.

It's true that it's likely that you're going to face relapses from time to time for the rest of your life. Psychological scars rarely fully heal.

However, progress is real. As you learn more about yourself, about your scars, about what triggers your problems, and most importantly how to deal with it, you will be able to avoid some relapses, to make others less severe, and to deal with the bad ones more productively.

Think about how long you were in therapy before your therapist said you were making progress. Now think about how long it's been since your father's health failed. Yes, it sucks. It sucks HARD. But that's OKAY -- everyone has stressful things they have to deal with, and it's not bad to be hurt by them, especially when it's someone you care about. But the progress you've made in your therapy means that you're going to be able to recover from it faster than you did last time.

And that, really, is the important thing. Yes, you're going to have to deal with it, again and again. But if you're being mindful, if you're learning about yourself, if you're taking the time to be healthy, each time it happens you'll be able to bounce back from it a little better.

I understand that and I try so hard it just seems to get me no where. I know that it is not just one of those things that happens over night but...I don't know...I just want to feel happiness again. Like actual happiness not a facade I put to make others think that I'm okay...

I'm not okay...I'm far from it...but I want to be.

I have lost so many things in my life due to my personal issues that it makes matters worse. I try so hard to pull out of things but it's so so so hard to do alone.

I had only truly trusted one person in my life and he destroyed any....willingness I had left to trust anyone...people are dark and cruel and say what you want just so they get what they want. It's a very vicious cycle and one that no matter what I do I can't break.

I find myself caring less and less each day about anything and I don't know how to stop it.

In real life I'm a loner. I go to work then go home...that's it that's my life. I don't drink or party or go galavanting and because of this I have lost friends...lost of them. It seems to me that not partaking in societies view of...normal...has destroyed me in more ways then one.

I find it easy to talk here because no one knows the real me...how sad, lonely, hurt, heartbroken, and chastised I really am. It's almost like I am some one completely different but only because I can hide my real self....just another mask I guess.

I just wish there would be a change...I don't want to be this way but it's all I know.

Masks are useful. Masks are tools. Masks protect you.

It's 100% understandable.

You're getting help already. That's the most important step.

Try to find reasons to hold on to hope. Even if it's the stupid unconvincing intellectual hope of being able to tell yourself "Things are bad now, but it'll get better" despite the fact that it's hard to believe it. It really does make a difference.

Honestly Coda...I have done that for so long...but when nothing changes how can one still believe it?

I can hope and wish for things to change. Hell I try my hardest to sorround myself with nothing but positivity but even then my thoughts are dark and I can't help it.

I want to be positive and I want to be happy but it's...just not...doable. I don't know. I just don't know what to think.

I have grown so acustumed to having masks every second of everyday. It's hard to even just think of a life without a mask...

I suppose most of my positive jargon is of no use here.

Has your therapist diagnosed you with depression? If so do you have something to regulate your moods?

Actually I have chronic depression but due to other problems finding a medication that works it's hard. I haven't found one yet. My back meds effect alot of things for me...stupid back. Just another stupid thing in my life

well in that case, I would try to slip more foods with Vit D in your diet. Perhaps talk to your doctors about it, but vit D as far as I know is linked to a lot of hormone production. Maybe eating more of it will lift your mood more often.

I'm just trying to get through school and my parents keep forcing me to making these adult decisions...

On the other hand I have a better credit score then my mother.... LOL

But then again, my car belt just popped off and I don't have the money to fix it because I just started working again and now I can't make it to work in order to make money to fix my car.

Well then maybe I will talk to my doctor and dietitian about it. See if it helps. At this point I am really willing to try anything.

Today was an okay day but sitting alone gets thoughts moving =sighs=

I am currently looking for a job at the moment.
I am obviously doing something wrong because I spent like 8 hours working on an application yesterday.

Spending that long on the FIRST one isn't necessarily a sign of trouble. It just means you needed to gather a lot of information that you haven't had need of in a while.

Subsequent applications should be faster.

So...today is another very bad day. Had to be at work for 6am and have been up since 2 am because of my sisters stupid roommate! Then I go to go take my cloths out of the dryer and they are sitting on top of his dripping wet so I had no choice but to wear wet clothes to work today....

So just to say he's packing his shit this morning.

Out of all the emotions to feel from this I feel...like nothing but anger...

=sighs= why do people despise me so much? Lol

I have no idea. I want to say stop worrying about the small things, but to you they may not be small.

I myself feel another round of down in the dumps starting to happen. I have already gone through the seven stages of grief for this certain situation and it is something I can't control. When I start down the spiraling path of rants and being resentful, and vindictive If I can I stop and ask myself

What is really wrong that is making me so angry and resentful?

Usually my personal answer is finances, I have never had enough money to do what I want, never will and even when I budget my kindness or something always takes my money away from me. In this particular instance, I have helped said friend financially a lot, I am ready to move on and do my goals. I know she can't support me when she can't even pay rent. All the little things add up, but until I make the proper choices to cut her off, its my own responsibility and my feelings are a channel for something I can't express to her directly, or rather tactfully enough so it doesn't hurt her feelings.


Maybe you should look, or try and direct your thinking towards, why are all these small things bothering me so much that I have my mask? What small things have built up my mask today? Perhaps it is something bigger beyond your past you haven't thought that bothers you.

There are many things in this life that bother me...many things in my past to have caused me to be this way I already know that....

A few examples....suicidal sister, driving my cheating mother to get an abortion so my father didn't find out, drugs destroyed my sisters life and in the process mine (not from using but...you understand)...


Alot of things have happened in my short life those are just some....I wear a mask more so to hide from the disgusting world

If you understand the bigger issues that created, is there anyway to keep smaller moments from adding on?

I probably shouldn't pry, but do you embrace the events that have happened to you? I know its easy to converse about them anonmously and nonchantly online, so again if I making things worse by asking let me know.

My therapist recommends The Power of Now as a tool to help bring yourself into the present moment instead of letting worries about the future and stress about the past control you. She suggests reading it for a few minutes a day instead of trying to read it all at once, to make a short meditative exercise out of it.

Pog: it dosent bother me if it didn't I wouldn't respond...as for everything else I try. I mean I try not to let the things like that bother the little things of life. They usually don't. Because of everything I have been through (even almost succeeding at my own suicide) I have the patience of a saint. I take everything in stride until one breaking point then it becomes all undone in a split second.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a totem for everyone until the weight of everything becomes to much and I snap. This always ends bad but I have tried so many ways to change things. Though the one thing that my therapist tells me I need to do I just can't...I can't cry. Maybe I have no tears left...

Coda: actually I have read that before I think...it sounds and looks so familiar. And it's a combination of everything just life in general that makes me think and fret and worry.

It's weird for me the little things bug me yes they do I won't deny that but I find that the larger ones that should effect me more don't really effect me much at all. Not until everything has calmed down for everything then it hits me hard...

Like for example my father's health. Everyone is all freaked and worried and stressed. Hell so am I but I just...don't show it. It will be the same when he passes. Everyone will loose their shit and I'll clean up right after them. Months will pass and then I will randomly think of it then everything crashes and burns...but just for me and no one ever finds out about it because it's when I am alone.

Solitary is my only solace...yet apparently it's my worst down fall.

This isn't unhealthy or inappropriate, in and of itself. You shouldn't judge your own emotional responses based on what other people do.

It's actually a positive thing that you're able to continue functioning despite knowing that there are bad things you have to deal with. It's appropriate to worry and stress and grieve when the time is right, and those periods where you do break down are meaningful and important too, but being able to set those feelings aside when they don't serve any purpose in the present moment is healthy. Don't force yourself to dwell on those unpleasant things based on some idea that you're supposed to be upset about it.

When my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, my reaction was pretty level. I honestly didn't feel much when he passed away even though I loved him very much. At the time, I felt bad that I wasn't torn up over losing someone close to me. When I finally did shed tears, it wasn't over his passing; it was over the pain that I saw my mother and grandmother dealing with. And that's when I understood that it really doesn't say anything bad about yourself to feel that way -- I knew it was inevitable, I knew there was no positive gain from letting it hurt me, and the people in my life who were hurt by it benefited from having me able to be level and reliable and compassionate.

And it's okay to let it out when you're alone. Everyone draws strength from different things. Some people draw strength from being with others. Some people draw strength from being away from outside attention. The important thing is that you understand yourself and understand your emotions so that when you do need to take that time to crash you understand that you're helping keep yourself healthy.

Yeah but it bothers me I guess. I mean like for example when my grandmother passed away it hit everyone hard. It hit me as well she was my best friend but even to this day I haven't cried for her death and it's been...6 years since she passed. My mother was crushed same with my sisters. I don't know it's like it didn't phase me.

It always hurts to think that I never cried or really reacted to it but after awhile I told myself something that I still believe. I tell myself that I didn't cry because I wasn't sad. I fact I was happy. I was happy she was no longer suffering or in pain. She had got cancer at 16. Beat it three times and then came back as skin cancer that sunk in and attacked her lungs, liver, stomach and then a tumor thst killed her at the age of 67. She faught so hard I was so happy she was no longer in pain. I twll myself that is the reason I never cried...because I had no reason to.

Everyone had called me cold hearted and ice queen and everything you could think of because I don't cry at death...I smile. It's hard but I do every time.

After people tell you something for so long you believe it. I have heard many things sad about me right to my face after awhile it dosent fade. =shrugs= I'm so used and numb to life it sucks.