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-   -   Writing - Read and share your opinions. (http://www.trisphee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5757)

nyreen 07-27-2011 10:10 PM

Writing - Read and share your opinions.
 


After some long procrastination I decided to write the first chapter of my story that takes place during a zombie apocalypse. It isn't finished yet. I decided to take the second chapter and put it in with the first... but then decided the ending of it was too weak and I want to re-do it. I was hoping to get some opinions. I can take criticism. Don't sugar-coat anything, I can handle it. I would prefer to know how to improve it then rather be lied to that it's perfectly fine. If you see any spelling mistakes, etc. Point them out, please. Also if you have any suggestions as to what could happen next, suggest them! I'm a little stumped right now. - shot -




Suzerain of Sheol 07-27-2011 10:30 PM

I can read this for you and give feedback -- just not tonight, I have a horrible headache.

I appreciate you putting that disclaimer in, though. I actually wouldn't have volunteered, otherwise. I don't like wasting time reading over something if the person is just going to ignore my comments. I also like knowing which elements you'd like specific feedback on, so you're two-for-two. :)

I'll likely be able to get to it tomorrow.

nyreen 07-28-2011 12:53 PM



Anything, if you think something can be improved or needs to be fixed up or if you think that something is weak, then tell me. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings or anything. I'm a writer. I have to get my work approved somehow, it's going to be looked at eventually.
I'm not going to ignore your comments. The only reason I won't post is because it would be a triple post or because I'm not online.


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 04:18 PM

I think you misunderstood what I said, I was complaining about what I see people normally do when making threads for their writing on sites. Your opening post was very clear and got my attention.

I'm going to take a look now. :)

Edit: Actually, before I get going, I need to know if this is polished up or just a draft. I tend to want to point out every little grammar tic, but if you already know they need fixing, I won't waste both of our time.

nyreen 07-28-2011 05:28 PM



Oh! I see! Thank you!

I've had it looked at by a few friends and on another site. This is my most recent version.


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 05:37 PM

So... do you want me to point out spelling/grammar mistakes, or not?

nyreen 07-28-2011 05:38 PM



Oh, sorry.
Yes, go for it.
I don't mind anything. Do your thing!~


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 05:39 PM

Okay, I will get started then. :)

nyreen 07-28-2011 05:40 PM



Thank you so much!


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 05:50 PM

Okay, first off (I'm going to do this in installments, since it's a bit lengthy) let's talk about showing vs. telling.

What you're doing here in the beginning is exposition. Listing off facts and information to the reader. It comes off as dull, the way it's written, because it isn't conveyed in a dynamic way. You're just catching the reader up on what's going on, at the expense of action (in the general sense, not in the explosion sense. :p)

Imagine this, instead: You skip the info-dump to begin with, and you follow Kimberly's actions. You let the audience learn about the world she exists in as her senses experience it. That way, they both get into the character's perspective, and get important info in slow drips, rather than being force-fed it all at once.

On a similar note, don't write like you're talking to the reader. It looks clumsy. Try to make the story immersive, focus what the character is experiencing, and just show that to the audience. Trust them to figure it out, as long you describe it well enough. This will have the effect of speeding up the pacing of your story and help keep people interested.

Other than that, what I notice mechanics-wise so far is that you're usage of commas is kind of all over the place. You don't use them when you should sometimes, and in other places, you have them where they don't belong. I find the best way to deal with commas if you're having trouble is to read your work aloud, making sure to pause appropriately wherever there's a comma, and if it doesn't sound right, delete it. Likewise, if a sentence seems like it needs to be broken up, put in a comma to separate the clauses.

nyreen 07-28-2011 05:59 PM



So! I should perhaps skip the whole flashback/dream about what had happened to her? Allow the story to go on and during the entire story the readers find out more about her instead of finding out all about it at once? Should I perhaps keep the whole hint that something horrible has happened to her, but not reveal it? I think that would make someone want to read more to find out, right?
Thank you for the information.
I'm going to fix it up a bit then, the whole comma situation. No one has told me that yet and I really appreciate it. I never knew. Sometimes I do get worried that a sentence can be too long or short... so I get a bit mixed up!


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 06:03 PM

Yes, that sounds like it would make for a much more dynamic and engaging opening to the story. It's always best to keep readers guessing early on, to spark their interest, but it's also a fine line. You don't want to leave them bewildered. It should be a gradual unfolding of detail, though, not all at once.

nyreen 07-28-2011 06:10 PM



Alright, should I do the same for Andrew?
I can just remove those parts and write more to fill the emptiness that they will make. I can even just put those parts to the side and use them elsewhere.


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 06:12 PM

I need to read more, I'll get back to you.

Sorry, doing a few things at once here.

nyreen 07-28-2011 06:12 PM



That's perfectly fine!
Take your time, there is absolutely no rush.
Thank you for reading what you have so far!


nyreen 07-28-2011 06:17 PM



I can make this entire part:




Apart of another chapter. - nods -
Further in the book.


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 06:22 PM

If you wouldn't mind a suggestion, I think having her recall it in very brief trauma-flashbacks while she's doing other things could be very effective. Give it to the reader in little pieces until it catches with where she is currently. I'd advise italicizing those parts, if you decide to do that.

And, I just started Andrew's section. Another example of the show/tell thing, when you describe his fiancee, it evokes nothing in me. You're just stating facts without giving me a reason to empathize with them. Rather than just bluntly throw the concepts out there, let the reader actually see them and come to those conclusions on their own. Like, have Andrew remember something briefly that made him love his fiancee so much, just a small moment that meant a lot to him, as an example.

nyreen 07-28-2011 06:25 PM



That wouldn't be such a bad idea. She could be doing things or seeing things that remind her of her life before the virus occurred.
I'm sorry about that, but thank you so much for pointing this all out for me. You have no clue how thankful I am about this. No one has told me this.
I don't mind doing sexual things. Would it be a good idea to make him remember a moment where they made love passionately? I could write up something right now as an example.


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 06:31 PM

If that's what you think would show it best, go for it.

Just don't expect me to go over it with a fine-toothed comb, I'm not especially fond of such scenes. :p

nyreen 07-28-2011 06:33 PM



It's just an idea, it wouldn't be explicit. I'm writing a book not a porno.
I was thinking that maybe when Kimberly remembers her life before the virus, it could be happy, personal memories. With friends and family. It could make the reader get to know her better.


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 06:34 PM

Yes, I imagine that would work.

nyreen 07-28-2011 06:35 PM



I might be a bit distracted by writing.
Edit: Thank you for all of your help. :)


Suzerain of Sheol 07-28-2011 08:06 PM

I'm sorry, Neirra, I've got a lot of stuff to do for the rest of tonight, and I'll be busy all day tomorrow. We'll have to pick up on this again over the weekend.

nyreen 07-28-2011 08:30 PM



That's perfectly fine, you have no obligation to be constantly in this thread!

I appreciate all of the help so far!


nyreen 07-28-2011 11:00 PM



I'm not too sure if this is good or not, but I do like it. Ah!



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