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How do I approach my mom with this...
I have an online boyfriend, we've been dating for 2 years now. We've hit some bumps that did tear us apart, but those bumps have made us grow stronger. He lives in Indiana and I live in Florida. My mom refuses for him to come visit and give him a chance to prove himself to my mom. I tried everything convincing her, she won't even let him come down to prom with me. It really upset me, but I guess it's not that huge since I don't really wanna go to prom. Just seeing him in general will be the best thing ever. We've decided since his dad has no issue of me being there and staying in their house that I shall go visit. The problem is explaining my mom that I will be leaving to go visit him, she will probably chain me down to the house...that's how bad I think it's going to go. I asked my sister who went to visit her online boyfriend first instead of him visiting for help. She's not very helpful...so I was wondering if I can ask the community of Trisphee for help. I love my mom, but she's very unreasonable. I understand she's being protective, but I really want to go see my boyfriend finally. She denied him for christmas time, conventions, birthdays and prom...I would like to very much see the guy I love so very much. |
I don't want to sound like your mom, but you never know a person till you live with them.
I've had several online boyfriends and meeting them in person has almost always been disappointing. I would need more information in order to be able to help a little better. Okay - so most of all I'd like to say, you are in high school aren't you? 17? 18? 19 even? How old is he? When you say you had some bumps in the past, what do you mean by that? I honestly don't want you to get there either. He may be a nice guy - but what if his dad is a rapist?! Now, I think that you are going to find a way to meet him either way, and if your mom wants it to be under her terms - she has to let him come over to you. I'm not trying to sound like your mom - I just want you to be careful. Since you are are going to go either way... bring a can of mace with you. |
I am currently 18 and he is currently 21. He will be 22 this month and I will be 19 next month. I understand there is a huge safety issue that everyone will be uncomfortable with. I know living with someone is different then just dating, but honestly I don't see a problem. I'm not saying that cause I am lovey dovey with him, it's cause we know each other so well already. I also know a good friend who is friends with my bf in real life up there also. Just like any other relationship we had a bump our first time around, where we both had miscommunication, I at the time was still to shy to tell how I was actually feeling which lead to me cry to other people instead of him. Thought he was unhappy and thought it was the best for both of us to break up. He thought I was unhappy and saw it better to let me go since I was unhappy with him, but really i thought he was unhappy with me. In the end on that one we still cared and loved each other, just very miscommunicated. After 4 months we got back together after I just stop giving a crap and started being very open. I told everyone how I feel and stuff that I didn't do before, so those 4 months we both grew cause he realized that he should of figured out why I broke up with him and stuff like that, and mushy stuff like I was his missing piece. We stayed together since then. I don't think his dad is a rapist...but I guess I never know that lol Maybe this will push my mom into letting him visit me and letting him stay with us instead of wasting money on hotel. I'll bring a bat xD |
Also another thing is, in the summer with the job my boyfriend has, it's impossible to ask for a vacation. His job gets very overwhelmed. |
Do you skype? or visual chat with him online. Skye, or g-chat... or whatever program?
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We MSN chat, Skype Chat, Video MSN. |
Could you perhaps stay with your friend instead of with your boyfriend?
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Well my friend up there is also a guy xD my mom would not be comfortable with that either. Going somewhere that far by myself isn't comfortable with my mom =/ |
It's really not safe, I'm afraid I have to agree with her.
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Well, whenever I went to meet any online friends in RL, I had some guidelines, for both my safety and theirs.
Meet in public and stay in public, and bring friends. Really, no matter how much I trust someone, and I trust people a lot because I'm good at reading them and am empathetic, I'd still do this because it's the best way to stay safe. Once you get past the first meeting you could do more, of course, and it will never be "fully safe" but I think at least meeting and spending time in a public place is a good idea for a first meeting. Just my point of view on this, as this is what I did when I went to go meet Lunaryon a few weeks ago. |
I wish this was more simple T.T How can I ever actually BE with my boyfriend if my mom won't let him come visit me, when he's offer too...I really don't want him to spend money on hotel, plane ticket is enough ._. |
It's just because you are so young! Can I ask how many boyfriends you've had?
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uhh more than 5 in my whole life span. -embarrassed to talk about how many I've dated...- this is the first boyfriend I told my mom about though. I actually stood up to tell my mom about him and hope to not die
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*flops in* Hi, I guess you can say I've had a similar problem you had and here is what I have to say.
Don't bother with this kind of relationship. Not to sound like your mother or anything, but when it comes to long distant relationships like that, some insane drama is bound to happen... in your case, your mother refuses to let you be with this guy anymore. Now let me jump onto the other side since I'm sure almost everyone else made their comments regarding how right your mother is. <|Dg If your boyfriend is loyal, trusting, and committed enough to keep you, he would go to you regardless of what your mother is saying and show how responsible he is to take care of you. What helps in a long distance relationship is communication and trust. You make it sound as if there was enough of these two things to go around. Just read this because the rest was practically long: Your mother is traditional, you're being modern. Such a fight is common, but don't let it get to you. If you truly want this to work, both you and your boyfriend have to prove it to your mom that it will. Did I leave anything out? I dunno. Never really think things through while I type stuff. |
Haha, it's okie I don't think things fully through either when I type... We wanted to do that, but my boyfriend doesn't want to go if my mom says no, cause he feels like that will be disrespecting her even more x.x which in my opinion probably will. He doesn't want to ruin the relationship with my mom and I. Knowing that if he comes down here and my mom still refuses to let me see him, I will argue with her until she lets me. Only time he can truly visit is winter. |
I can see how that would break the relationship. However, I don't want to come sounding like an @ss about this but... the fact that you're arguing with your mother regarding this situation... isn't that affecting the relationship also?
Sometimes, things need to be broken in order for everything else to move on-- in this case, your relationship with your mother. If you guys ever decide to get hitched, you need to realize once your married... the strongest relationship you should have is with your husband. After that, your family. I don't know how old you need to be in order to pass as an adult wherever you live, but technically you're old enough to make decisions on your own and your mother should respect you for what you decide on as much as you respect her and her own decisions. |
The thing about my mom is we will argue, be mad, then she'll be all happy happy with me completely forgetting why we argued. Which I don't like simply cause it makes me feel like she doesn't care where I'm trying to get at... She also doesn't "believe" I have a boyfriend right now, because she wants me to marry an Asian boy, which sadly I can't tell if she's joking or not. |
...yeah, now it's just to the point where you and your boyfriend have to show her the truth, regardless of what's going on. Apparently, she's just being ignorant of what's in front of her.
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I know...it's just thinking about it, how things are gonna play out makes me stressed. |
this is going to sound awful but normally I don't think online/long-distance relationships are a good idea to work out
HOWEVER you aren't going to know that until you meet him, and maybe you can work this angle with your mom I can't tell from your post whether you've met him in person or not, but two years is a LONG TIME to stay committed in an online relationship so there's something working for you if all else fails, don't tell your mom. let him come pick you up and when she calls asking where you are then tell her when she can't do anything. it's your life, not hers. if she wants to remain willfully blind of something you cherish then she's not being a very good mum |
Well May, for one thing... if all falls in the toilet, your boyfriend should man up and take you in. Other than that, you both need to find a way to support each other, mostly you after what could be a bad turn in your family.
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that's a good point. if it gets to a point when you can't stand mum anymore there are a few questions that should be answered before you up and ditch the lot of them:
do you and your boyfriend have the means to support yourselves/yourself alone or on his/his guardian's income? do YOU have the means to support yourself if your boyfriend refuses to take you in or help you? are you willing to cause a rift in your family like this? (is this guy worth it basically. REALLY think about this question because if you give the wrong answer and act on it you are not going to like what comes of it) what feels right to you? |
Basically all what Daring said. lol
In the end, one needs to remember what is necessary and what isn't. Having a companion is technically second to all things a person needs rather than wants. Sometimes people forget about this, though. |
We've talked about the worse cases that could come from this. I only have a job because of my mom and I work once a week cause she doesn't want me to have another job. I do not know how to drive nor a car to drive even if I did know how to drive. My mom doesn't want me to learn how to drive cause insurance, but really driving is my fault cause I just...won't read the book so that's just my fault. My boyfriend said if I get kicked out, I would have to stay at my friends for at least 2 weeks so he can sum up the money to buy the tickets for me to get to indiana then I will stay with him. |
if he's willing to keep you, that's a start. what about schooling for you? (i don't know how old you are)
Also, not having a car COULD be a problem. do you have a bike? do you also have a friend lined up to stay with? |
My best friend already said she would let me bunk with her until I can get to Indiana. I do not have a bike, well we do but it's not mine lol. I am going to college. |
are you going to college right now and would living with your boyfriend have a effect on your ability to go to class/do work?
(sorry i'm asking all these personal questions if I make you uncomfortable feel free to tell me to bugger off) |
I don't mind the questions, I'm all open. No I am not going to college right now, I'm still in my high school days with just a few months left. I think living with him will improve my education, cause I ask him to keep me off games when I get home to do my homework. He always tries to make me go to bed early too. |
if he's the good sort who can monitor you and make you do your work then that's good.
you'll need to at least finish your high school education before you split off from that area, but when you're a legal adult/in college it will be your decision what you do. |
Yeah, I plan to finish high school first for sure. Its in the summer that I want to go visit him. My mom says I can't have a boyfriend until I graduate, so I'm waiting until I graduate to tell her. Then she tried to change it up on me and say until your 2 years in your college. Then I was like No -,- |
once you are a legal adult she can't tell you when you can and can't have a boyfriend. that's something she's going to have to come to terms with.
she sounds like a nutter, if you ask me, no offense i'm sure. |
None taken, I love her but she's a handful, I'm probably a handful for her too. I think in the future I can see her coming in terms eventually. Also I like to say that I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my thread and throw their opinions in. I really do ^^ so thank you for your time. |
I want you to be safe as well so him visiting you first would be the best idea especially becuase your mother can control the situation a little bit. I understand how the wanting to meet your long distance significant other is. I traveled to Airi's the first time to be able to meet her and I ended up at staying at her parents house and things went well. So sometimes your lucky sometimes your not. But I must say him visiting you would be the best thing for a first visit. In my opinion.
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It's just...we're both tired of waiting to see each other...and we don't wanna wait till winter to see each other =/ |
Trust me I and many others of us trisphites understand that. However you should be in a place where you will be safer for a first visit.
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I guess so T.T |
May, I know that you love Richie and stuff but you have to consider the possible problems that could happen - what if you guys meet up, against your mum's wishes, and then you guys realise you don't feel the same way when you've actually spent time together?
The result would be that not only have you broken the relationship with your mum, but you no longer have the relationship with him either - where would you go? That's the worst case scenario, but if you guys did meet up, I wouldn't want to sit on skype with everyone worrying about what's going on and where you are if it went sour. :< We love you May, and I personally don't want to be thinking that you're struggling to find somewhere to live 'cause it all went pear-shaped. And meeting people from online for the first time is scary. I did it a few weeks ago, and I honestly was jumpy and uncomfortable the whole time - I didn't know what my friend was going to be like in person, if they were going to be who they portrayed themselves to be. It's easy to act. I'm not saying that Richie is, but be careful. Please <3 |
I love you guys on skype too >: I wouldn't wanna jeopardize anything that I wouldn't be able to contact you guys anymore, cause then I think I'll be the saddest girl on Earth. I really do have strong feelings that Richie and I won't have that issue, but you never know. I guess we wouldn't know if it went THAT way, but I mean I really honestly doubt it will =/ |
I'm glad you asked us and I'm glad you are thinking this through fully. That's all I ask really.
Just be safe. <3 |
what everyone else has said. do what makes you happy and safe in the LONG run
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