Where did I go wrong...
 

So some of you know about issues my hubby an I have been having..but here is a shirt list of whats been going on...


Lack of communication
Not paying attention to me
Not helping around the house
Possibly bull shitting me to get me off his back..


Well the other night I wanted to try and talk... About him going out for his bday with friends..not saying anything about him spending time with his mom, step dad, and brothers... but then when I wanted to have a nice sit down dinner... it turned into getting chinese food in the mall food court...

He went bar hopping and a strip club with his friend and was out all night... no text to wake up to saying this is what I am doing..yada yada..

Yes he is a big boy and all but what if something happened... my phone was on silent only audio was for my alarm to wake up for work the next morning..

I have been going through this "I don't feel sexy" phase and I told him that... so the strip club thing didn't help...

Then I went back to the we hardly talk.... well that back fired because he flat out said "I don't have anything to say to you because your up my ass 24/7."

Hearing that.... crushed me... then he got up and came down stairs and didn't come back up till after I was asleep...

I feel like a failure...

It sounds like he isn't trying.
Relationships are two people working together to make this world a more bearable place.
communication is key. without it you will always feel this pain you're feeling now.
I would say seek out professional help. First for yourself, and then maybe talk him into couples consoling. If you love him, and he loves you everything will work out in the end. Sometimes people just need help from the outside to better what they already have.

Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you are less of a person or that you are not beautiful. Ever.
No one is worth that.

I am beautiful..... http://tinypic.com/r/28vtzb9/6

I mean look at me! lol. But I am in the funk because I feel like he doesn't see it...

men are blind.
but you are drop dead gorgeous

again, communication is everything... if you guys are having issues with that its better to get them fixed sooner rather then later.

the one guy I was stuck on for what seems like forever never worked out cause we didn't communicate... and by the time we were starting to work it out... my feelings started to change.
there was just to much between us.
I never felt that he cared.
I never felt that he actually thought I was beautiful.
I never felt anything when he said "I love you"
Yes, there were good days... but they were few and only becoming fewer.
I loved him with all my heart once... but it changed because there was so much that happened before things were actually starting to "get better"
and now were over... again. and there will never be another chance to make it something more. because those feelings can only take so much pain, and hurt before they change.

His mom is like "he is depressed...he is hurting bad..." Well then he needs to open up and talk to me... He has his dad's temper.. and I'm scared to ever see it..

He is sitting right across from me and I really want to say... "So she tells me your hurting because of your depression.. don't you think it hurts me worse to know you won't talk to me about any of it...?"

some guys don't talk about things. Even when they should. Once you break down their walls though... they can be the sweetest guys ever.

Have you told him how you feel? That you just want to have a nice dinner and actually talk about stuff... about anything?

Ya... and then he blames himself and shuts down even more...

its not just him. and its not just you.

"WE have a problem. WE don't talk enough. It feels like WE are drifting apart. If WE work on this more. WE can be happy together."

A Relationship is just many sets of Gives and Takes.
A balancing act. To make both of you happy, you both need to be ready to take fault. Its not just one person of the pair messing up. The feelings are there but the rest, the keeping things together and holding each other up so neither of you is unhappy, that is up to you. Just pure feelings can't hold people together.

Ya... Its like I'm legally bonded to a room mate almost...

the key when you talk about things, is to never place all the blame. Use "we" or even take some of the blame yourself. Maybe to get him to open up.

"Can we talk? I feel like I'm pushing you farther and farther away. I'm scared that I keep messing up and that I'll lose you. Can we try to work on some things? It feels like WE are drifting apart. If WE work on this more. WE can be happy together. Can you tell me if I've been doing something wrong? I want you to be able to talk to me, I love you..."


Maybe something like that?

Tried it... worked for like a week...

hmm......

well, I'm not a pro at this sorta thing. I couldn't save my own relationship that was like this... but don't give up. unless your feelings have changed and you can't love him, find a way to make him listen. if he has depression maybe get something for that?

its a serious issue that not everyone can handle on their own.
Most people give in to the thoughts and let it control them.

Ya... we don't have much money and don't and insurance..so getting meds its kinda out at this point of time..

hmm... let me look into a few things, even if meds are out, there might be a "hotline" type thing that could give you better advice then I could.

I've been on the other side of this, and here's a few things I'll say:

First: Don't think that you've done anything wrong. Looking for your own failure is going to leave you empty-handed, because you're not at fault.

Second: Don't be too hard on him. He can't control his depression (believe me, I know) and getting angry at him will only add stress, which just makes the problem worse.

Third: As a man, if he cares about you, he may (consciously or subconsciously) be trying to protect you by not exposing you to his own problems.

If he's anything like me (and it sounds like it), he cares about you a lot, but he lacks the skills to be really good about showing it. The depression is REALLY hard to work with and I'm sure he's as unhappy about how you feel as you are.

The "WE have a problem" approach really doesn't work as well as the self-help guides make it sound. And you want to be careful not to smother him.

What DOES tend to work is quietly helping him do the things you need him to do. If you feel he's not helping enough, don't tell him "don't forget to clean the kitchen", but rather "can you do it right now?" -- better yet, "can you help me clean the kitchen?" gives you the opportunity to be together focusing on the same task. (Edit: Do this when it's actually REASONABLE for him to do it.) If you feel like he doesn't talk to you enough, start conversations with him, about anything at all. In other words, if you need something from him, get him started on it, because in the position he's in it's very hard to be self-starting. If you keep this up, he'll start working these good things into his habits and you won't have to prod him as much.

I know that takes a lot of patience, and a lot of time, and it's stressful, but it does work.

I have to agree with Coda on some points here. I'm not a guy of course, but I do have depression and it's not something that can easily be fixed by just talking about it. In fact, that's one of the things that people who are depressed can have a lot of problems with.

I've been depressed for some years, sought professional help over a year ago, and since have been through one assessment group and two more discussion groups and I'm barely at the point where I can talk to my closest relatives about what's causing trouble.

I'd say focus less on the big picture and more on the day to day stuff I think, and the bigger stuff will work it's way through.

One thing I think it would help to be wary of is how you say or ask things. Sentences like "don't you think etc" can be taken as criticism because it gives the impression that the person *should* be thinking that way and if they aren't then they are doing something wrong. If a person feels that they can't do anything right, then they may stop trying.

*nods* Exactly. That's why I encourage you to get personally involved -- not in trying to "fix" him, but in helping him focus his attention and activities on the things you need from him. It shouldn't include or imply any criticism. Doing things together and making a habit of it, even for little things like housework, will build a rapport between you. This will strengthen your relationship, which is the most important thing for both of you -- important for him to be able to work his way through the defensive walls, and important for you to feel the relevance you crave.

He thinks that I'm up is ass to much...

That's kinda my point. You can't push him to change. It just doesn't work -- and wouldn't work even if he thought it would work and was okay with it. Getting upset will only make matters worse.

As I suggested: Work WITH him. Don't try to move too fast. Ask him to help you do things rather than asking him to do it himself.

I think you need to sit down. Write a letter to him. Get all of whats in your head out onto the paper. Read it.. Rewrite it if needed.. Give it to him. Remember though, he needs tender care. The depression needs to be treated. Talk him into talking to some one, or a therapist. Or even writing things down and burning them. Remind him that together your stronger then apart. You can help him through this as he can help you. Make him feel important. Make him feel like he is your hero.. Let him know he is not worthless and that you love him..

Erm... I don't mean to be rude, but that's really quite the opposite of the right response to someone dealing with depression he can't control.

I agree with Coda.

As someone who does suffer from depression, it's very easy for me to push people away. I don't want my burdens becoming someone elses issue and I do relate to this.

I don't have a right to judge other people and who they choose to love. If the OP chooses to stay then I don't think hurling insults is called for.

He does sound like he has some trust issues as well, that could be harder to work on but if you both love each other then this will just be a door you both have to open.

Writing a letter sounds like a good idea, sometimes writing things out is less emotional than speaking with someone. With depression, it could be more beneficial to be "to the point". I have an easier time expressing myself with letters than speaking. This could also help the OP.

Knowing how hurtful he is unintentionally being could make it worse. I myself don't mean to hurt people but I can't always escape that. Depression isn't the easiest thing to just "get over it" and it isn't always to do with self worth. I know I am a good person, however sadness is a daily thing for me. I have no real reason for it, I'm in a comfortable place. I am not suffering from physical sickness but I do have time where I don't even want to get up in the morning. Staring at the wall seems more favorable than my responsibilities. I force myself anyway and feel as if I am an actor in a place instead of living my life.

I am not trying to make him sound like a special snowflake but unless you know someone who does suffer from depression, I doubt you can relate. Depression really is like trying to run a race with various size weights all over your body. It is truly difficult, hurts, and not easy to jump over anything at all.

While it may be easy and more convenient to chalk someone up, in matters of the heart. . . .only the people involved get to make those choices. I don't think the OP should get discouraged, I honestly think it will work out should both of you work on the relationship.

Him going to strip clubs might not be helpful though.

I have sever stress and anxiety disorder and depression.. I know what that hurt feels like.. but after we talked the other night..the next day is was saying the opposite..

Saying I'm smothering him because I'm always here and that he has nothing to say to me because our convos are summed up in 5 minutes.. then telling me its ok to talk to him....

Could he be Bi-polar?

Since he seems to say one thing one day and the next, something different.

If so then that isn't a bi product of depression.

I'm not sure..we can't afford a doctor bill right now.

If I think of anything else to suggest, can I let you know?

Yes that'd be great. ^_^

This isn't that unusual, truthfully. This is the hard part in any marriage, depression or not -- when you've talked about everything there is to be talked about, and you already know about everything that goes on in each other's lives, the conversation feels like it dries up. It's difficult, I know. I've dealt with that in my own marriage; indeed, I'm still dealing with it (though as I mentioned, from the other side of the issue from you), but it's not as bad as it was before. It's not any easier for the other partner.