Trisphee - Nevermind, I apologize.

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Nevermind, I apologize.

As the title says, I want to get back in touch with you guys. But, there are things that I have to say before I do.

The best I can explain it, even though I haven't gotten the chance to see any doctor ( nor do I really want to.. ) is that I seem to have some kind of manic depression and anxiety, which makes it very difficult for me to socialize like most. I can't help it. Sometimes I get so bad, I can't think in complete sentences. I can't cheer up when people try to cheer me up, since chemical imbalances don't right themselves on command, but they do go away on their own. However, I get episodes frequently. And my way of balancing it, of being okay, is to talk to people.

I want to talk to you guys again.. but I need to know if you'll be okay with me like this.
I'm gloomy.
I hit lows often.
I talk about them.
I don't want to be judged, and most of the time, I don't need advice unless I really ask. Most of the time, I just need to have someone listen.
I need everyone to not get upset when I can't cheer up no matter how hard you try. I can't help it, I really can't. I'm sorry.
I'm terrified of you guys pushing away or giving up, fading away from me because of the way I am. ( and yeah, I know, I have been gone for a couple months of my own free will, but you get my point I hope. )
So if you're up to it.. I'd really appreciate it.

I've been shut up for a little over 2 months, and too afraid to really talk to anyone. I hope that you guys can tolerate me as I am; I tried really hard to fix it, but I just can't seem to. I'm ashamed, regretful and stuck, and I do see it from other perspectives; I know it's frustrating when all you want to do is help but it doesn't seem to get any results.. but you have to realize it's nothing I can control. It doesn't happen for any reason, and doesn't go away for any reason. It just is there and then it isn't. I hope you guys can realize this, maybe just be patient with me. ^^;

Anyway, with all that in mind.. anyone up for the challenge? xD;

Nevermind, I really shouldn't and can't do this as I thought. I'm sorry for asking that of you guys. I'm really not fit to have friends and such, as weird as that sounds, and I'm ashamed that I'm this kind of person.

I completely understand depression and anxieties, as I and my mom have both. I completely understand having episodes of not wanting to deal with people, and being unable to be happy.

I don't and won't hate you, I don't and won't judge you, I don't and won't blame you for any "lows" you may have, and I do and will definitely tolerate you.

I welcome you back with open arms <3

I've been in the same boat before, so if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm up for the challenge. <3

Meizicht, we are a big family. Albeit a tad dysfunctional at times, but we still look after our own and are here to support each other. However you are, is how you are (sorry if that comes off wrong, but I mean it well).

-flails- Meiz-boo I will always listen! And I have friends with the things you've listed there, it's cool, I get it, I tend to listen more than talk when I feel the need.

Oh I understand *nods* I really think you should try and see a doctor even if you don't want to. You'll probably feel better for it at least having a diagnoses, having a name for it does help. I have bipolar rapid cycling disorder and I get lows very very often. I often don't want to talk or be with people, just do my own thing. I also do get highs but luckily they don't last that long, just long enough so I can catch up on things and feel better for a little while. I hope it helps knowing that we do understand though *nods*

i will be here for you, i hope you know this, regardless of whether you are sad or not. i would like for you to talk to me<3

I love talking to everyone. As long as you understand I'm a perky person and can't really help it most of time, then we will be gravy and potatoes. I won't bug you to 'cheer up' or yell or be upset or anything. I hate being upset. (And I don't hate a lot of things.) I love to laugh and if we can live peaceably in a thread then I will listen! If you don't say anything about my perky self, I won't say anything about what you discussed here.

But can I ask... do you want to be depressed? I'm not judging. I have real life friends who are not as manic as myself and in real life we get along swimmingly. I'm just asking.

Everyone: Thanks, I've been away with the thought that maybe I was kind of ruining the mood for people who I was talking to since I'm down so often and couldn't help it. x__x;
I kept being told that it was selfish, so I couldn't take thinking I was upsetting everyone, and just figured "can't say anything good, don't say anything at all" lol
I still can't help being reluctant since I have to be honest; I have been told that "it's okay" for me to talk to some people, and then they really find out how bad it is and they can't take it; it's not their fault whatsoever, but it does sting a bit. But that was only because I didn't warn properly first I think. xD;

woopidoodoo: I don't really want to see a doctor since the doctors which would be available to me are only ones that government aid can get. xD; And here.. they're not very good. Government aid has given me 2 or 3 eye doctors that don't know what's wrong with my eyes ( they just decided nearsightedness ) and if I were to pursue getting my wisdom teeth removed, the dentist I was recommended for that will take government aid, has a ton of really bad reviews attached to him ( he once put a guy under just enough so that he couldn't move, but could still feel the pain while getting a root canal. OTL you can see why I'm reluctant. lol ) But I also don't know what medicine would do regarding my creative ability; drawing and writing is my life, and I don't want that to go away since it's some of the things that is kind of my therapy. I can deal with my lows, so I think it's okay as it is. ^^;

Fauxreal: I don't like being depressed, no. I've always kind of thought I was missing out on "normal" life since I started kind of realizing that it wasn't normal when I was in highschool; I can't understand how someone can hit such a high happiness that they make noise and jump around and stuff, or they're happy over the smallest things. xD I'm always just kind of.. mellow when I'm balanced out. There are some things that do bring me up enough to be considered happy ( like I get really into gaming and drawing and writing xD; ) but there are times where that doesn't help. However, I do have a habit of thinking in routine. If I haven't hit a low in little longer than usual, I'll start anticipating it because I don't know when it might hit, and then I'll end up driving myself into it. But it's not like I want it; it's miserable and drags everyone else with it. OTL;
Though, my lows aren't as bad as those "rock bottom" manic attacks I sometimes get ( where I feel so bad that I start thinking in broken sentences, can't keep up with my own brain; I don't let it happen in front of people irl, since it can make me look like I'm nuts. xD; ), but those are usually brought on by a reason, and they go away very quickly since they force me to let it out in some way. Even though it might be kind of scary to other people ( it scares me too sometimes lol ), that just means I'll be okay in a bit.

Err, sorry, ramble. xD;

Edit: Thank you for putting this thread back. ^^;

Cagey, I've missed having you around. <3 You can talk to me anytime no matter how you're feeling. **hughugs**

Hello Meizicht, I am Uma, nice to make your acquaintance. I don't know you but I remember you. I think I remember the day you left here, I am not positive, but I am pretty sure as I did not see you afterwards. I remember wanting to say something to you about what you had written but I never got a chance. To be honest I did not know you and I just felt it was not my place. But you are now back and you have brought the subject up for all to read and comment so now I will say what I had to say then. Simply, I think you have good insight about yourself. You appear to know yourself very well and you set out your boundaries and your expectations clearly and I think this is admirable. I wanted to say that to you when I saw some of the conversation you were having at the time you left. Maybe I should have just posted that but idk I doubt it would have meant anything coming from a stranger. Anyhow, it would be nice to talk more, I like talking. ^_^

( I'm trying not to reply here when I'm in my "low" points, so I apologize for slow replies to you guys. I'm not ignoring, I'm just avoiding things I might regret saying when I'm in a depressed mood. )

low or not my comment remains the same and when you feel shitty you can talk to me, i dont always have an answer but i can listen<3

Meizypoo I could never get tired of you. Or your gloomy chit chats <3 I LOVE YOU BB.

MEIIIZUUU KUUUUN. *invisible glomp, knowing that you don't like to be touched, unless you asked for it*
anyways, come talk to me in my thread(s) again. I'm just so glad you're back. Like I've said over and over again before, you're always welcome there. <3
and trust me when I say, I won't do what I did before.

p.s.: You can put sticks in my hair again. ^____^

Thanks, everyone, but I'm backing out. I'm a coward, yes. I know this already. It's nobody's fault. Was nobody's fault. It's mine, because of how I am. I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone or cause anything.

Lauv: You didn't do anything "before", so I don't know what you were referring to. None of it's your fault. I've always been this way so I understand how people feel when having to deal with it, and it's nobody's fault but mine. Again, you didn't do anything wrong at all. Please don't worry about it

Anyway, I'm sorry, but I can't do this like I wanted to.