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Thou wish hath been granted. However, thine soon dost discover that language develops rapidly after the post and thus turns back into normal. . . Jetzt, wir sprechen Deutsch (Now, we speak German.) . . . but not really.

I wish I had a head.

Granted but that head removes itself from the body.

I wish I had tacos. D:

Granted, but, for one, they're tacos that cause highly explosive diarrhea, but taste ever so heavenly, and two, they are stolen by Gir.

I wish I was a land-shark.

Granted, but you're the beer and you get drank.

I wish I were happy drunk right now.

Granted, but you still wind up getting pissed off at everyone.

I wish I was phone.

Granted, you were phone, but now you're not, and now the question on everyone's mind is who /IS/ phone

I wish I could shoot hot-sauce lasers from my fingertips.

Granted, but now you have given up your ability to shoot hot dog laser buns via your eyeballs.

I wish I was dog.

Granted, but you're the annoying kind of yip-dog...

I wish I didn't have to wake up before 9am...

(o.o I don't think you got the joke, Kali.)
Granted. You now never wake up, because, technically, ALL times are before 9 A.M.

I wish I was FIRIN MAH LAZORZ!!

granted... but then you were firin' your lazer...

I wish I knew what this was...

Granted, but you knew too much you got confused again.

I wish these people would stop yelling. D<

granted, but only because they started shouting (ps, you missed the reference)

I wish upon a star

Granted, but that star falls into the black hole, thus your wish failed.

I wish I knew what he knows.

granted... but then you use his shotty and the rest is downhill from there.

I wish I had the truth

You get it, then you realized you don't speak the truth now.

I wish my back doesn't hurt anymore ;3;

Granted, but nothing hurts anymore because you're paralized from the neck down.

I wish I knew why.