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dance teacher: ok use this fabric (points to shiny expensive one)
me: buys it and sends to seamstress
dance teacher weeks later: ok, use something not shiny since the rest is already shiny
me: spent money for nothing like an idiot, end product will be 3 times more expensive than the rest of the group and won't even be used because everyone needs to look the same

The program that I'm using to mess with the ukagakas is behaving oddly on my dad's laptop, I can't install ghosts via conventional means, thus having to ask a friend for a zip archive of my own ghost just to be able to install him so that I can continue development while I'm waiting on my dad to get a new charger for my own laptop, because I'm overly paranoid that the converter may either explode or actually work fine, and I don't like taking chances on that sort of thing. It makes a slight whining sound.

At least I can continue development, but now I've hit a damn art block and can't seem to draw the android version of a character that I've been drawing for a while. Yet I can draw an anime vocaloid girl, for some fucking reason.

Things have been getting better, at least?? I'm just worrying about Christmas because I'm not sure if I'll be allowed to go out and buy something for my mother, brother and my dad, because my mother tends to not let me go outside much, unless it's to do daily stuff. Which is understandable, considering this town is a major shithole in the history of absolute shithole towns, but boy do I wish for some bloody freedom.

Halloween went okay, though. Got a good candy haul, most of it was from a pinata. It was nice. My niece had a cold, though. :(

I left my laptop charger at my mom's house. I haven't had a chance to use it all day for fear of it dying on me. I wanna draw or work on my ukagakas or something, but I'm stuck using my phone. She was supposed to drop it off between classes but now she can't see me until dinner time. At least I didn't leave my phone charger or my sketchbook at the house too though....

Took the remains of our 17 year old Jack Russell to the vet to have her cremated, because none of us living here is capable of digging a deep enough grave for her. It cost $150 and we don't get the ashes for three weeks. She'd spent the last eight days not eating, and stopped taking water Saturday night. She was two months shy of seeing her eighteenth year.

I've been getting more tired, recently. I'm not sure if it could be a seasonal thing.

Also I forgot what Tabby looks like. Which really fucking sucks, because if I do make that animal crossing / stardew valley ripoff game, I know that I won't be able to do the depiction of what's essentially a dead cat justice, because I can't remember what she looks like. And I can't see her again because she's six feet under.

edit (22/11/18): just heard that my older half-brother's dad has moved without even telling him or my half-brother's younger brother on his father's side. yikes. so now my dad has to break the news to him tonight, because he was going to go help them move *tomorrow*, and i have a bad feeling about this bc chances are my brother will kick off.

I hate everyone. And everything. :D

Soooo....thanks to the bookkeeper at the museum taking days off at the end of this week, the paycheck I was counting on for the second half of my rent won't be ready until Monday (the 3rd). Rent is due on Saturday (the 1st). So that screws me over. Mostly. I do get paid from Joann tomorrow, but it goes on my pay card, which I was gonna just transfer the money, but transfer to accounts take up to 3 business days, which would be even later than the museum paycheck. So now I gotta play the atm game. By which I really just mean the "how many times do I have to try my debit card before the atm agrees to read it so I can deposit this giant wad of cash?" game.

I'm super fucked off about the schooling system again, because literally no problem is actually treated as a problem.

Sure, they'll put me in detention for not doing homework, but they won't consider that I'd be real fuckin' stressed from all the damn homework I received. Adding bullying issues on top of that, and that's real fun!

I was also taken out of specific classes in two periods a week to go to some counselling shit with a few other students. It'd be nice if, you know, the bullying problem actually got fixed, but no, put the guy that's getting bullied in the fuckin' 'special' classes instead. That'll solve the damn problem.

I'm completely unable to go to extra schooling, partially because of transportation issues. That, and I now have no qualifications because I was homeschooled from 12-13 to 16.

At least I have a job at my dad's shop, but it pays about £5 an hour. Ah, well, better than a normal apprenticeship. Those pay around £3.

I need help, y'all. If you're able to donate, great, if not, please spread the word: https://www.gofundme.com/abe6v-help-me-move

Was able to get my dog an ultrasound today to screen for what her brother and mother had, on the off chance she might develop anything similar. Only to confirm my fears and find out that she has a couple of weeks without surgery or a few months with surgery. I don't think I'll be able to handle another.

my stomach hurts for some reason.

anyone wanna bet that it's my uterus.

To top off an already-terrible day, I got some ideas for item designs, tried to put them down on paper, and figured I’d be better off slapping them onto a tris base.

And then I proceeded to spend four hours wrestling with my tablet and its drivers

Because Wacom can’t make drivers for shit

And it wouldn’t fucking detect my driver, or the device, or give me pressure sensitivity

So now not only am I out of spoons, I’m also out of ideas, fucks, and motivation to continue actually drawing those items.

Today marks 5 years since I lost my mother. It was such a strange turn of events and I still don't fully understand what happened.

I am full of so much anxiety and stress from multiple things right now...
Ugh.

i know i sound like a broken record here but i just remembered that i still can't remember the dates of when my dog and one of our cats died, and i can't remember tabby (the dead cat). i can't remember what she looked like.

it's frustrating.

also i hacked up dinner a couple days ago, that was embarrassing.

One of my friends is having the absolute worst month right now and I feel awful because I literally have no money to spare to help them out because my hours are shit the next couple weeks due to Christmas, New Years, and the assistant manager WAY over scheduling at Joann, so they had to severely cut hours (I work 7 hours there this week). I feel sick because I want to help them, but I don't know how. Either monetarily or emotionally.