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Thanks everyone for your support.
I feel like this was not the right time, nor place to share all of this sensitive information about myself, though

Long post will come later but first of all: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Not one bit. Not even if you didn't fight back. It was all his fault. He is an abuser. Abusers do that. They make you feel like it's somewhat your fault.

It breaks my heart that the world has been treating you like shit. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. You are only 24, you have many beautiful and good things to live yet! I'm 10 years older than you and I don't have anything figured out yet either!

none of this was your fault in the slightest. this is entirely on that prick, frankly.

i'd suggest leaving him, but that doesn't seem to be possible right now. is there any way for you to get into a crisis shelter or a hotline you can call? there's also the option of suing him, but i'm not sure how well that'd play out.

I'd like to thanks Ava for the trigger warning, and for sharing. <:[ It's a very hard thing to do. I know firsthand.
Though I didn't read any of it, I'm sorry to say. <-<;
Tbh the whole topic brings back a whole lot of bad memories,
involving a whole lot of self-blame, shame, embarrassment, ruined self-esteem, declining self-worth, and regret.
It's not something I'm too keen on sharing myself, so you'll forgive me if I don't. But I saw this here and I'm reminded that it was because I started to reach out that I began to feel more like a valued person, and like myself again. I hope you know that you have summoned the greatest strength by sharing, and that you are closer to healing for doing so.
My experience is no worse or better than anyone else's, though I tend to want to play it down a lot, like it wasn't a big deal, because I know others have been through so much worse, and for so much longer than I had. But years ago, in the thick of it, it almost destroyed me, so...it kind of was a big deal I guess..
<-<; ...maybe I'd be more open to sharing later on..but it's in the air at the moment..

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Short and straightforward: I wouldn't call anyone "my favorite p***y" when I want them to feel loved and cared for. (unless they're into dirty talk and humiliation, but that's a whole other topic)
He considers that a compliment, yeah?

Along with those other remarks he calls you, I'm completely baffled why you even love that guy. Sure, emotions are a complicated matter. But you're clearly suffering by the fact he's more interested in your body - or let's take it even further, your orifices.

Do you really want your life to be like this? Is this where you want to be in ten years? Living for the few sweet moments of comfort to put you back into a functioning fuckdoll state?

Longing for the day he's going to smile at you all out of the blue and say something nice about your ukulele music or the birthday cake you baked for him? Even though you can't really remember the last time he hugged you (just a hug, without any sexual intent following afterwards)?

No. I don't think so.

Does that make you stupid? Nope. I believe what you really are, deep down, is afraid. You fear you won't get along without him. That there will be no one to calm you down during a panic attack. No one to pull you back from that tenth story windowsill when you no longer feel able to deal with a cold, cruel world. Because as long as he's tugging at your shirt, there's someone who wants you at least. Even if his grip seems to choke you.

Maybe you're worried about him as well. You're afraid he won't get along without you. That he will be the one on the windowsill once you pack your bags and leave for good. As a sensitive and caring person you think it will haunt you forever if anything happened to him - no matter how many people afterwards tell you it wasn't your fault. Because before everything went haywire, he was such a nice friend...

There is no magical cure for fear. If there was, and I had discovered it, I would be sipping cocktails served by cybergoths in my penthouse mansion by now. Eventually you just have to take a step and hope for the best.

You were almost courageous, and it feels like a failure. But look back at where you came from. There probably was a time where you tried to convince yourself a certain degree of abuse in a relationship is normal. Just so you wouldn't have to face the fact there may be a problem. Since then you have reached out to others. You acknowledged the abuse. Mind you: toddlers don't "fail" learning to walk. They fall on their butt. Then they drag themselves up. Plop again. Drag themselves up once more and take a clumsy first step. Back on the butt. Failure? No. Just not done yet.

You're getting closer to it, Ava. Stay persistent!

you should leave him. he's not a healthy person to be with in the slightest.

I thought we’d agreed that we should defenestrate him, no?

Consider why you’re afraid of him, why you think he’s mean. Hold on to that. Don’t forget that when he calls for you and you start falling for him again.

Yeah. Apparently we need a bigger window.

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Ava, I can for sure say it's not worth it. I know it seems like it won't ever get better but that's what abuse does to you, it's nothing about your inherent value.

You deserve to be with someone who values you as a person.
You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good emotionally.

At least here at trisphee we'll support you when you decide to let him go.

Dude who the fuck cares if he’s dtf. You can find better people who aren’t absolute arsewipes. And I promise you, he’s a fucking arsewipe; I’m not drunk enough to not recognize the fact that the entirety of trisphee would stab him for you if only you said the word.

He ain’t worth it, girl. Yeet him into a trash bin and move on.

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Yeah okay, that’s super not okay. Stick to your ultimatum.

I know it is incredibly difficult to walk away, but you need to.

This is how people get killed by partners.

Someone that cares for you would NOT put you thought this. I promise there are way better people out there that will be willing to give you the stability you crave without exchanging your safety and well-being.